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    All my life I felt I had a fairly good handle on the drug use vs. abuse. Having grown up in the ’70s and tried a lot of different stuff drugs never interfered with being pretty successful.

    I have other issues such as obesity and arthritis which causes me legitimate daily pain and up until surgery two summers ago I was coping fairly well. I’d even used opiates for back pain off & on without ever getting anywhere close to addiction. After my surgery in summer ’09 I was getting frustrated by the slow healing and inability to do certain things w/o excessive pain. I knew a few people who started to offer me their “excess” oxys and once I saw how “magic” they were to get me from being basically unable to do much of anything to feeling normal and good again, and able to do heavy work around the house, yardwork & such slowly I found myself delving deeper and deeper into them.

    I kept telling myself that I could step away from that slippery slope but now especially in the past 6-12 months I’ve fallen down hard. Now, I’ve read stories of people waaaay out there @ hundreds of Mg/day…I can’t imagine that, especially the cost. Up until several months ago the cost wasn’t a problem but now it has got there. I’ve spent between 500-$1200/month now for several months. It’s my dirty, depressing secret and it has to stop!

    I feel so ashamed….I’ve been averaging between 30-100 mg. a day depending on how much $$$ I have and what’s available. On one hand I really want to stop, but there’s also the spectre of again being in pain all the time and not even being able to walk for exercise to try to lose weight. As for work, I have a mentally demanding job and I know to some degree my Oxy fog has impacted it a bit but for the most part I’m still “keeping it together” fairly well.

    I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can’t go to my Dr. because I have a legitimate script for a very small amount (I was offered more but declined, thinking I could keep to this tiny amount) which is 30 5mg/month. I can’t go to My Dr. due to one of those “contracts” which I’ve repeated broken for over 6 months, ever since I signed it.

    I guess I just need some encouragement….I don’t feel like I can tell anyone I know about this. I have a lot to lose and I don’t want things to get any worse. I’m in my early 50s and I know this is starting to affect my physical health, not to mention my mental health. Ugh.

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