Hi,

Ive been a member here for a while now.

I have given up drinking a few times but im now drinking again and each time i fall of the wagon it gets worse.

I have now been diagnosed with epilepsy. During my last seizure I dislocated my shoulder during the seizure and then fell down. When I fell, the exposed shoulder joint smashed into a bunch of pieces which required surgery and meant I had to take 2 months off work.

I did not disclose my alcohol consumption to the doctors, even thought they asked. I didnt want to concern my family, compromise my job, or lose my son.

I stopped drinking for that 2 months but started drinking shortly after I was back at work.

My job is very intense and requires me to be very focused and productive. And even with my nastier hangovers, I still manage to preform very well. I am still being promoted above people that have worked there for years.

I am becoming increasing worried with my symptoms. But aparantly not worried enough to stop. Which is madness, I know. My ‘epilepsy’ – I know is alcohol induced. I have increasing memory problems. And I have started vomiting blood. (not just a little bit – full on, stomachs full of rich red blood)

I dont know who I am anymore and I kinda feel like my fate is pre-decided. I cant picture myself stopping drinking anymore. Do I want to stop? yes and no.

Getting drunk is my safeguard to coping with life. Being drunk and being hungover makes things easy. The effects of that lifestyle – not so easy. Its a big ugly cycle. But I know I’m killing myself and that sucks. I have been drinking 15 standard drinks each day – 6 days a week for a number of years. Recently I manged to get 3 days straight without a drink which was great. But getting drunk that next night was bliss.

I have a lot of friends, but I dont want to impose myself on them, so any help I get I need to be confidential – same goes with family. Part of me is also a little bit surprised that noone has noticed… although I do a pretty good job covering it up.

I went to a dr a few times about this. The first time I quit was for 6months. I was participating in a research group, taking naltrexone and citalipram to see if taking citalipram would increase recovery when taken with naltrexone. The second time they told me not to stop drinking until I could get into a rehab facility. I didnt want to go to a facility so I lied to them and told them that I had sorted out an alternative with my GP.

So as you can see, I know I need help, but im just to proud to admit defeat. I have too much to lose. I would happily accept my fate/consequences and just go ahead and get sick and die accordingly. But I know that would suck for my family and friends.

I know what I need to do. I just cant see myself doing it. There is no logic in it at all. Perhaps I am a lost cause.