Well my on again off again love of sobriety is back. Today is day 4. Eating better, sleeping better, feeling better, but this is my cycle. It’s what I do. I’ll start feeling better soon then guess what??? Whiskey and cigerette time!!! I’m such a fukcing dumb ass for continually going back to the very thing that I hate and does nothing good for me. I’m on my third username here because I’m so embarresed of my faliures…

I have all the risk factors for heart disease. Overweight, smoke (only when drinking), no exercise, terrible diet, and heavy alcohol use (2 fifths a week 80 proof whiskey. I truly believe I can cure all of the factors by just taking care of one — the drinking. Drinking causes such a chain reaction in me. I start eating much worse foods while drinking, I damn near binge eat at night to soak up all the booze I drank. I don’t exercise (who has time when there’s whiskey to drink) and smoke like a chimney. It’s literally like I’m trying to kill myself. I feel at the end of my rope though. I feel like it’s becoming life / death (seems dramatic for a man in his early 30’s – but I feel 20 years older than I did 5 years ago.

I really hope I can do it this time. I really hope everyone here makes it as well. There are a lot of good people here with long periods of sobriety. The trick is … becoming one of them and not one of the me’s… Coming in and out, quitting when things are bad – the drinking when things are good – then drinking makes things bad – then not drinking when things are bad —- I could go on for days.

I hate booze. It wants to kill me. I have to stop!