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    I want to kill myself. I even looked up methods of doing it yesterday. My mother tried to talk to me and I locked myself in my bedroom and refused to talk to her. I’m 30 years old and my financial problems are ruining them financially.

    It looks like I’m going to have to sell my apartment. Today is day 1 again BTW. I drank non stop from Thursday to Sunday afternoon which is why I refused to see my mother because I knew that I probably reeked of alcohol. I’m tired of being so afraid. All through the night I felt all trembly, heart palpitations. My head felt like cotton. But the worst part of withdrawal was / is the anxiety and fear. I’m so very afraid.

    There was a time when I dealt with my financial problems head on. When I was in university and was having financial problems I took way less money from my parents than I do now. It was a point of pride with me not to ask them for money. I was earning $400 a week but I made it work. I wrote out a budget, made a list of all my bills and paid them down even when that meant paying $5 a week or something. I did it. And now I’m like so afraid of everything. My last job was a financial analyst where I was earning double that a week, in addition to having a tenant so my monthly income was three times what it was in university but I was always late with the bills. I was too scared to make a budget. Drinking was taking up too much income for me to stay on top of things. And like any alcoholic I think, I’d make a plan and what not and maybe I’d follow it for one paycheque and by the next paycheque, I’d completely forget about it until the next financial crisis.

    Case in point. At one time I had registered a business name because I wanted to be self employed. Over time I kept falling behind on filing taxes for it. Now there is a lien on my house. That happened because I kept procrastinating on sending in this one tax return that was due at the end of June 2008. That’s right, I procrastinated for nearly 2 years. When I woke up today I was sober. I felt brave enough to call and all I have to do is send in a letter saying there was no revenue for the business and they will lift the lien wave the fee, and close out the business name. That’s it.

    The lien was for $1400 and every time I was sober it would weigh on my mind so heavy. All I had to do was just deal with it. I have caused myself a great deal of anxiety over something so simple. If I had just bothered to file the tax return (which was easy because the business never earned any money) this wouldn’t have happened. And if I had dealt when the revenue agency started sending me letters for 2 whole frikken years I wouldn’t need to send the letter.

    I feel such relief. That’s one less problem now. It makes me feel like I can start calling the credit card companies next to try to figure out that situation. When I think about it now, I don’t actually have that many problems. I just don’t deal with them and things get way out of hand.

    I live with my brother and his wife now. His wife is so clean and neat. The woman is always cleaning. I’ve been here for a month, and already I’ve started putting brown stains on the carpet and a giant glad back full of empty bottles in the trunk of my car. When I drink my tolerance for dirt and disorganization is phenomenal.

    I am scared to try and figure out what to do because I’m afraid that I cannot fix anything. And then I feel like if I don’t do something soon the anxiety will kill me. From dealing with a couple of my problems already there is a part of me that understands that I can handle this and figure my way out and then when I drink I just get to oafraid to face reality.

    Maybe, the life experiences that I’ve had on this last drunk will benefit me after all. I’ve knocked on doors to sell people gas and electric contracts and right now I’m telemarketing and every day I’ve gotten at least one person to sign up. Some days I get three.

    One of the things that was holding me back from starting my business was the idea that I wasn’t capable of doing sales. Now I know that I can. Now I know that I can telemarket to build up a business. I have an idea for a business to help recovering addicts because I think that there are aspects of recovery that current addictions centres don’t really address. I want to believe that my life will get better. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of things getting better if I just stay sober. I feel like the good times will come soon.

    I’m afraid to pray because I don’t think god will answer me. :c020:

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