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- October 17, 2015 at 7:35 pm#37667AnonymousInactive
Hello all. I have been reading the posts and replies here for the last few days and finally signed up. I knew that if I was going to quit, I couldn’t do it alone. The help of others who know what you are feeling is important I think. Some people may be able to do it cold turkey and alone, but I chose this route. I hope that from time to time you guys will talk with me. Here’s my story in a nutshell:
I have been a user for the last several years. Up until about a year ago, I was pretty much a regular user of painkillers. I worked for a wood products company and had been since 1995. As I got older, my knees and legs bothered me more and more because I was working 12 hour shifts and the job I did required me to be in a control room the entire shift. I worked on 4-6 computers constantly and was responsible for monitoring and making changes to the process via these computers. I had support guys with radios out in the mill that responded to problems and assessed them and fixed them so that the equipment could be started back as quickly as possible. On occasion, I would get one of those guys to come stay in the control room while I took a radio and went out on the floor and worked. This is when my knees and legs would really bother me. I went to the doctor several times and had my right knee scoped, but it didnt seem to help. The Lortab he was prescribing me helped, but it never completely stopped the pain. When he didn’t increase my strength, I began getting a few on my own to supplement what i was taking through prescription. Things seemed OK for a while and I was able to perform well at work and also was able to do things at home on my days off.
My wife has systemic lupus, and has had it for the last 18 years. She and I have been married almost 10 years, and I was well aware of her illness and its conditions when we got married. She has been and still is taking a lot of meds for her condition, including Schedule II’s for her pain. I have never nor will I take any of her meds. I bought her a safe a year after we were married to keep everything in. Not because of myself, but it has never been a secret to any of our friends or to people in general that she had those prescriptions, and the last thing we wanted to happen was to come home and find that someone had broken into out house and stolen her meds. She has taken everything from MS Contin to liquid morphene over the years. About 3 years ago, her pain management physician put her on the fentanyl oral transmucosal lollipops…(Actiq) 800 Mcg. We live in a small town, so we have to have this script ordered every month because it is so expensive. The pharmacist we use told me that it cost him around 1500.00 to 1700.00 per box to get it, and she takes 3 boxes/month(90). This is why we keep her meds locked up. Anyway, back to my story.
About 10 months ago or so, I went to see the guy that I get my Lortabs from, and he didn’t have any. At that time, I was taking about 3-4 10’s a day. That is a lot, I know, but the dosage had increased over time and it took that much for me to dull the pain to a tolerable level for me. On that day, he said he didn’t have any Lortabs or Percocet, but he wanted me to try something else. It was Oxycontin. I knew what it was because my wife had taken MS Contin years before, and I was a little skeptical. As any addict knows though, I was willing to try it to see if it helped. I told him to give me one and I started to pop it into my mouth and he stopped me. “No man, you snort it. If you take it like that, it doesn’t work nearly as well.”
I had done cocaine way back when I was in college in the late 80’s, but I hadn’t snorted anything since. He powdered up about 1/8th of an 80 for me to try. I hadn’t been around them at all until then, so I didn’t know that 80’s were almost the highest strength that you could get. I tried it, and it really did help. The knee and leg pain was easy within 10 minutes, and I had a feeling of euphoria on top of it. Little did I know that I was addicted right then. I kept my use to a minimum for a long period of time. 1 OC 80 would last me approx. 2 days. It stayed that way for a while, but as you all know, it didn’t stay that way. Now, almost 11 months later, I can go through 2-3 80’s in a day. I woke up a few days ago and the weight of the last few years all came crashing in on me. I cried all day long because there was no dodging the fact that I was an addict. On that day, I looked in the mirror for the first time and said it…..”I am an addict.”
On June 25th of this year, I got laid off from my company after 15 years. I always figured I was a target if it ever came to a layoff because I had been there so long, I made really good money, had a lot of vacation time each year, and my wife’s illness required a lot of doctor visits during the year, so we “used” my insurance. We had bought a new house a few months before, so I paniced. I was able to get into a program that takes care of our mortgage for us, and I registered for college and am a full time student now. The same program pays my tuition each semester and will continue to do so until I get my degree as long as I meet the requirements for my major, Respiratory Therapy. My wife works, but even with our mortgage getting taken care of, it is extremely tough financially. I am receiving unemployment benefits, and will continue to do so until I graduate as long as I am a full time student. I know that I have to do well, and I am maintaining a high B average overall right now. But, I am still an addict.
Our financial situation doesn’t allow me to be an addict tho’, and I have been able to support my habit somewhat to this point, but like I said, I woke up the other morning all to pieces. I can be more…….I can beat this……I can be a success……..WITHOUT BEING AN ADDICT!! I have to do this for my wife, my daughter, and most of all, for me. My future depends on it.
I have used a lot of our savings to support my habit, but it cannot go on. I decided that yesterday was my first day on the road of getting sober. I used my last time on Friday. I didn’t have the “one last time” frame of mind, I just didn’t go get more when I ran out. I have been a 2-3 pill a day user for about 3 1/2 months, so I know that it is going to be extremely hard to quit. I have several suboxone put away to take when the WD’s set in to help. I have used those in the past, and I am really hoping that they will help me through the worst of the symptoms of WD during the first couple of weeks. I also know that I am going to need people to talk to that know what I am going through and that can and will talk me through this process.
I am sorry that I wrote so much, but I wanted to get it off my chest and out where others could see that they are not alone. I hope that some of you will reply to this and will be willing to chat it up with me sometime.
I look forward to meeting all of you and thank you so much for whatever advice or help you have for me. Have a great day and I will talk to you soon.:c031:
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