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  • #38732
    Anonymous
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    Hi Everyone

    I was sitting around today thinking back on some of my time, but mostly thinking about how I was in a fantastic place today and how last week, my head was insane.

    I had female hormones running rampid, I was sick with a head cold and of course, my disease of alcoholism.

    Combine all of that, or put them on their own and I was one insane women last week.

    I had it in my head that my sponsor was out to get me, that AA was a cult trying to brainwash me into their way of thinking and stop me from seeing my family and friends (ie get to a meeting a day and still hold my full time job down) and basically that I could do it all on my own and no one should be telling me how to fix my problems.

    Now that, is insanity at work and its my disease at work and its only today (and the past 48hrs) that I have been able to see that. Today, I am calm, I even talked to my HP a few times today and handed things over.

    I am mad and insane, I am an alcoholic, but I also know today, that I am not in a cult, my sponsor cares for me and wants the best for me, that I have a fellowship and online support whenever I choose to use them, that I am able to juggle things but that my sobriety must come first.

    I shudder and continue to be afraid of what might have happened last week if I didnt come here and write it all out and get thoughts back and if I hadnt of called some older sober members of AA and if I hadnt of shown up to my Sunday night meeting. It was at that meeting that I had a lightbulb moment, a moment of clarity, a moment of understanding of surrender and a moment of humility.

    I am proud to say that I am insane, I am an alcoholic because today, I know, that I am on the road to recovery and I am not alone…..

    Rachel

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