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    The rollercoaster life of my recovery.
    We’ve been having our bathroom plumbing fixed this week. General par for the road thing, parts not in, plumber can’t find it, water turned off for hours on end, house inside covered with bits of plaster, just a chaotic disaster. I have had several chats with myself about needing control and just giving up, what was promised a quick easy fix is turning into a week long fix and thousands dollar more fix….. and I am not coping.

    Then my daughter has the flu, and in the midst of this I forget to go to my therapist today, totally forgot it. So she calls me up blessing me out and promising to charge me for the Noshow…. how special .. I think to myself, just nice.
    I tell her I am sorry and it’s the first time I missed in a year but I also can’t help it now……. due to sickness and plumbers and it’s now past the time my appt ended and it seems to me that days like this are for getting in the car and leaving town.

    My mother then proceeds to tell me how irresponsible I am for not having the house maintained and blah blah…. I get a value judgment on the lack of money for these projects……. nice….. I tell her basically it’s all being fixed as money comes along to fix it. She knows which buttons to push on me and yes I am WHINING.
    It seems that every now and then a bus load of people decide to tell me exactly how deficient I am and in the past you know days like this made me run to my DOC.
    I accept that due to my past actions I now have no money or income and I am in this position due to drug abuse. I accept that my therapist will bill my insurance for the no show. What I don’t accept is the value judgments on my character for things I am now trying to accept responsibility for and doing my best to amend. I can handle it better naturally if it comes in small doses but I seem to get it in buckets. I think I am being tested truly. I know I come up failing in many ways but I am so tired of all my support systems simulatanesouly jerking the rug out from under me at the same time in space. Tomorrow I can put this into perspective. Today I want to scream.

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