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- May 7, 2016 at 4:39 pm#39225AnonymousInactive
Yesterday at work, I suddenly got the desire to figure out what the deal is financially just for this month and it terrified the sh*t out of me. I got a really horrible call with the debt collector which I don’t know how I am going to deal with.
I am stressed over money. Like super stressed. Right now its like my biggest problem after the drinking. If I’d had money after speaking with the debt collector I am 90% certain I’d be crying here about this being day one again. Anyway, I’d already decided that I needed to take the day off work and make the necessary phone calls to get this sorted out. So tomorrow morning I go to the debt counsellor to see what they can do for me. **it.
I tried to deal with my debt about a year and a half ago but I was still drinking and as we all know, its hard to stay on plan when you are constantly drinking. I wish I had taken care of it then. I wish I had stopped drinking then. However, I’m tired of this huge debt hanging over my head and worryign about the implications for my family. I’m tired of having bad credit and I feel like this is it. Like this time I’m really serious about dealing with the problem.
I want to drink so much. I still do right now. Part of that might be that its Friday and Friday signified the beginning of the weekend binge. Three weeks ago I was at Day 5 and gave in to the temptation and it turned into a 2 week stretch. I cannot afford another 2 week binge.
Anyway on the way home I needed to stop at the library and I wound up at the section on addiction and picked up this book about the physical effects of alcoholism. Now I never read those scientific books, they tend to leave me cold. I usually go in for memoirs because I can relate more to those. I was flipping through the pages of this book and what do I see… a picture of a healthy liver, a fatty liver and a cirrhotic liver. The cirrhotic liver looked like it had been eaten away and chewed up and spat out. It was awful to look at. It was just what I needed to say no for that day. I didn’t drink yesterday.
I don’t plan to drink today.
This too shall pass. If I get through this weekend sober, next weekend will be even better and the weekend after that even more so. Anyway I have so many plans, I need to get a better paying job and past experience has shown me that all motivation and discipline fly out the window when I am drinking.
I have to deal with my finances, because I think a lot of times I drink so I can stop thinking about that. But wouldn’t it be easier to just deal? Just look it in the eye and deal with it.
Anyway I have to apply for jobs this weekend. I’m going to apply for jobs like a crazy person. Right now I’m telemarketing and while I like the flexibility of the work hours, the job is just boring and repetitive and even the idea of staying there for another week makes me feel a bit desparate.
That said, I’m glad that I’m able to feel the desperation because its putting mental pressure on me to get up and do something about this. Last time I felt unhappy in a job I come home, have a drink and then decide to apply for jobs you know tomorrow, or over the weekend, or next month. That turned into two whole years. So I’ve been at this job for 2 weeks now and I plan not to stay for more than 6 weeks. I think that’s realistic. I can get a better job than telemarketing in a month. Its amazing what I can accomplish when I put my mind to it.
I’m too scared too call. I’m scared not to know. If I don’t my parents will have to deal with it, and then I’ll feel *hitty about that too.
At times like these I hate having feelings. When I was in university I picked up the phone and called. I just did it. I dealt and now its like everything is terrifying. Everything makes me freeze and procrastinate.
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