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- September 18, 2008 at 2:31 am#34193AnonymousInactive
Yeah, it’s usually not the best sign when one of us regulars goes missing for a few weeks. While this isn’t always true, well, it is pretty true for me. As many of you know I will be coming up on 5 months sober. I posted not too long ago about a slip-up I had, then it seems I kind of went into hiding from 12 Step National Meetings. I shouldn’t have.
Just to let my friends out there know that I am indeed alive and well, I thought I’d post a quick note about what’s been going on in my life. I am the constant worryer. Always have been, probably always will be. I’m also the fixer. Working in the medical field, it is just a part of who I am. You wouldn’t want a doctor or nurse working on you who didn’t have the personality of being a fixer now would you?
So here’s what’s going on that has me so preoccupied. I am quite sure that my oldest brother who moved back into my mom’s house about a year ago is an alcoholic. Although I’ve never been an alkie, I have been a pill popper for 5 years. I know the signs, and yeah, they’re all there unfortunately. Things kind of came to a head when I found him attempting to move an enormous recliner up my mom’s narrow staircase while he was stumbling about and slurring. A little later that day, I thought I was going to lose it when he took off in my car, without me even knowing about it! When he got back, thank God in one piece, I did yell at him and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. When he acted like he didn’t know what I was talking about, I accused him of being drunk. He simply said nothing, went upstairs, and didn’t talk to me for about 4 days. Oh, I forgot to mention that while he was off driving my car around drunk, I went to his room and confirmed my suspicions. Not only was there a nearly empty bottle of whisky sitting out, but in the bag he carries to work there was another a bottle of liquor.
Anyway, I told my mom about it that evening. I don’t live with her all the time. I have my own house, but am at her’s a few days out of the week. She said she would talk to him. But she still hasn’t and this has been about 2 weeks ago. I also talked to my therapist about it, and he said what I basically already knew. In this situation, I CANNOT be the “fixer”. So do I just sit back and wait for him to hit bottom–just like I did with the pills? It’s sooo hard to see someone else going through that when you know just how it feels to be at the point of despair. I would not wish that on my worst enemy!!!!
And my sweet, precious mother. God what this must be doing to her. She is my best friend, and has been with me every step of the way during the process of me getting clean. She is 68 y/o and still works, but not b/c she has to, b/c after my dad passed away she didn’t want to think of being at home alone. It seems like since I started getting clean, her health has deteriorated, and I can’t help but wonder how much my addiction has had a role in that. And now I think, why should she have to go through it again with my brother? But I know she will b/c she is the ultimate in moms’ and that is what they do best.
She has been undergoing a lot of medical tests herself b/c of her declining health. So far things are looking fairly good. But she is a diabetic and has early kidney failure. Knowing what I know when it comes to medicine, I know just how dangerous this can be for her.
As far as me, well, I slipped again last Friday and Saturday. And yeah, I’m pi$$ed at myself for doing it. I did it to see if I could escape if just for an hour or so. Even though being on the suboxone, I knew I couldn’t get high and I still did it anyway. Not sure why I’m testing the waters so much here lately other than the stress; the stress I cannot do anything about. It’s time for me to step away from the situation, and work at this harder. I’ve read about some other trials that people here are going through recently, and I think how do they do it? How are they not giving in? And I’m so proud of them for not turning to drugs or alcohol. And ashamed that I did.
I apologize for the long, ramblings. . . I just needed to tell someone about this. Thanks to all for listening. It’s good to be back. Peace and Love to each and every one of you!!
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