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    Anonymous
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    Hi everyone. I’m brand new to this forum so not sure exactly how it works, but am struggling with something and desperately need to a) confess and b) determine what to do. My story isn’t unique – I’m a recovering alcoholic/pothead/benzodiazepine abuser. My last drunk was January 6, 2010. I recently went on a trip to Argentina with my boss. The trip was extremely stressful for me – I had to share a room with my (high-maintenance) boss, my cellphone didn’t work there so I couldn’t keep in regular contact with my friends or recovery group, and my “routine” was completely disrupted (creature of habit…). I am in a recovery group and I talked to them about my fears about the trip (specifically that I would be lonely, anxious, discontent, and tempted). I also talked to friends before leaving. I even talked to my doctor to get a sleep aid (Buspar) that I would not be prone to abuse.

    But here is the trouble: My boss is a medical doctor and essentially travels with a pharmacy – ambien, xanax, ativan, and flexeril (just to name the drugs that cause trouble for me). She does not know that I am in recovery. The first night there, she offered me half a xanax to help sleep and I accepted it. The second night there, I had a *sip* of her wine, but I felt awful about that and told her the next morning that I did not drink due to a tendency to drink too much in the past. She was understanding.

    The trouble, though, is that I just couldn’t handle myself in a hotel room with all those medicines. I snuck a few xanax throughout the week. I also took one flexeril. But the Big One came shortly before I left Argentina (two days before she left)… Her ativan was from 2005 – 5 years old! – and she still had about 14/60 pills. I took the whole bottle! And then I proceeded to take all the pills between Argentina and my arrival home.

    Luckily, in spite of some crazy emotions and excessive sleepiness, nothing terrible happened in this episode. My boyfriend (a police officer) questioned whether I’d been drinking and I told him no…that I was having a bad reaction to the Buspar. I don’t think I’m at risk of being “caught” by anyone but that hardly matters – I feel absolutely terrible and don’t know what to do, who to tell, how to start over and feel good about myself. I’m afraid I can’t confess to my boss because my job is really good and important. For all I know, it really will be a while before she notices those pills are missing; and even then, given that they’re 5 years old, I don’t know that she’ll miss them terribly. Please help. I am in group therapy, individual therapy, and have decided I need to start going to AA meetings more regularly.

    I’m assuming that this constitutes a “start-over”. But is that enough? I don’t have a sponsor so I don’t really have a good person to tell about this. I feel terrible. I am mad at myself for not being able to handle myself in a tempting situation. I really can’t believe I’ve done this…

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