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    So I don’t know why I’m typing this, because nobody is gonna read it. But here is the story of the crazy life i’ve been living the last little while. I’m not gonna hold back anything. Nothin but the truth. How I feel inside: Depressed, Suicidal, Unhappy, Unmotivated, I dont care about anything, Im passive, I don’t wanna try in life, i feel alone, I hurt inside, and I didnt know that emotions could hurt so bad. Basically I’m reaching out to anybody that would like to listen. Which probably isn’t much. So here it goes. I guess i should start out back when I started messing my life up. It started in 9th grade, started hanging out with the wrong crowd, got into trouble, tried smokin weed, started skippin school. Kinda.. got the feel for being rebellious and not caring. And i liked it. It was so much easier. Well 10th grade rolls around, i think to myself “Hey, i need to start trying” so first semester I got good grades, honor roll, didnt sluff. But then my lack of motivation started kickin in. Started sluffin with friends, had family issues, just didnt care. I went to school maybe 2 or 3 times a week. if that. Then the summer before 11th grade came around. Started hanging out with old friends. I started partying on the weekends, smokin weed alot. I started to realize the thrill of going out every weekend and just getting ****** up. Nothing was better than that. It was fun, and even if it was illegal.. nothing beat it. Throughout the year i had family issues with my dad and his girlfriend and her son that was living with us. We just didnt get along and there were some times I ran away, punched holes in the wall, cried all night. Well 11th grade, dad broke up with his gf, and we are living in american fork. You should know that this is the 2nd high school i went to. And I had also been to 3 different jr high’s. So.. transitioning my friends was really hard on me.. had to keep letting people go, and accepting new people. Kept falling into the same rebellious groups, because they appealed to me. They were exciting, and it made me popular-ish. But the school year keeps going in american fork.. but this time it was different. All the kids i knew in jr high, didnt care to know me anymore. So for all of the first semester of 11th grade, i went to school every day, unhappy because i had no friends that would talk to me, i sat alone at lunch, and i slept in every single class. Well I decided I wasn’t gonna go to second semester, that i was too far behind, and i just didnt care anymore. So I dropped out. Just sat at home every day, my dad didnt do much about it. I sorta looked for a job, but didnt really care. I just hung out with my friends from PG everyday. and started getting into the habit of smoking weed everyday. It became a lifestyle. Everyday we would get in the car, and find a place to smoke, sit around, go eat somewhere, go smoke, and that is all we would do. And then in october of 11th grade I made the stupidest decision of my life. We decided that if weed got us that high, then what would ecstasy make you feel like? All my friends at school made it sound so good. I knew it was a bad idea, but partying was what i was all about. So i hit someone up and at the last second i found it. We did ecstasy on halloween in my friends camper. It wasn’t the best feeling ever, but we had fun. I kinda liked it. Then the year went by, i found a part time job. I only got like maybe 8 to 12 hours a week and that was it. Few months went by, and then I got into some trouble at work, did some mushrooms the night before, went into work. My boss found out. Then someone told me the wrong schedule so i accidentally missed a shift. So i got put on suspension. I could have talked about it to get my job back, but it wasnt worth it. I barely made any money. Well the summer of 2009 I went to a rave because i thought techno music sounded cool, and i’d never been. Since we had done ecstasy before, we thought we should do it at the rave because thats what alot of people do. Best and worst decision of my life. The pills we bought, were the strongest i’ve had to this day. And i had the best night of my life. Nothing has topped it yet. That was the night I fell in love with ecstasy. So throughout the summer I went to a few more raves, did ecstasy at each rave. It was what my life was about. The love people give you at raves is amazing, and the drug makes it even more amazing. well then september came around and a halloween store opened up by my house. I decided to go apply cuz i needed a job. Well turns out he hired me on the spot. I started making like 600 a month, compared to making nothing at all. So then instead of having my friend buy my drugs, i started to pitch in too. We started buying at least 50 dollars of weed every day, or every other day. Also did alot of mushrooms in that time period. Almost all my money went to drugs, and i kept falling deeper and deeper. Well in november i didnt have that job anymore, since it was seasonal. I ran outta money, and just only was smokin weed every day. Only because i have a friend that makes enough money to support our habits. Well in november i decided to get my GED, and i got it. I still occasionally did ecstasy. maybe every other week. And then new years came around, and i looked back on my life. And me and my friends decided we should all quit. Because drugs were slowly ruining lives. Well.. as you know, unless everybody quits, nobody quits. 2 weeks after new years, i go to my friends house, and they all have ecstasy, after i was sober for 2 weeks. I got jealous cuz they were describing to me how good it is, so i went to the bank, and pulled out money and bought some. The next day we wanted more, so we pulled out more money, and bought some more. well february comes around, and i get a job at del taco, start making 800 a month. Had a car, cell phone, and money to spend. I fell in really deep. I became so dependant on ecstasy. I started doing it every weekend, and all me and my friends would think about every day, is where we are gonna get ecstasy for when friday comes around. well i decided i wanted to try to quit drugs in march, so i quit. but 2 weeks later i gave into ecstasy again. ironically i was sober off weed for a month, but then my friends brought it around me and i gave in. Well, since i wasnt in school, and i had a lot of money to spend. i started doing ecstasy maybe 2 or 3 times a week. I would do it on weekdays. 5 to 10 pills a night, depending on the time. and then a credit card came. I blew half of it on new clothes, and the other half i figured out if i pulled out money from the ATM with my debit card, it was just charge my credit card like it was cash. So i blew the other 400 all on ecstasy, in 2 weeks. maxed out my credit card. Well in may i decided to start selling ecstasy. I got ahold of 50 pills fronted to me for my ipod. Sold some, and got jacked 23 of them. had to get a loan of 200 dollars from my friend to help pay my dealer back. Well i needed money to pay my friend back, so i got fronted another half jar of 50 pills. Started selling, but also took about 19 pills for myself and gave away 8 on my friends birthday. i sold about 18, and shared alot for free on my friends birthday. and then i started realizing people were following me places, and figured out i was being followed by the DEA. or someone like it. and the last 8 pills i had i flushed because i was scared that i would get caught and go to jail. Well within those same few days, i went to work rolling on ecstasy because i took too much the night before and didnt think id still be rolling. my boss probably knew i was high. my lip was sweating and my eyes were huge. i couldnt think straight and i just wanted it to end. Well then the next day i said **** it and rolled again, and missed my shift. I lost my job and moved to my friends. We tried staying sober but it was hard, but we at least stayed off ecstasy and weed. We stuck to smoking the legal stuff that gets you high kinda like weed, called spice. Well i had been sober for almost 2 months from ecstasy, and then my friends decided that they were gonna buy me a ticket to go Showtek. Which happened to be my favorite techno dj. Time passed, i would smoke spice now and then wishin i could be sober, then the rave came, which was two nights ago, my friend bought my ticket, and he had a 600 dollar check he got that day. Well.. getting put in a situation like that. I wanted to do ecstasy. It was my favorite dj. There was no stopping me. The whole 2 months i worked on stayin sober, was thrown out the window. I dont know why, but i just didnt care. That night my friend bought me 4 and a half pills. I loved the night, went to an after party, met a lot of hot girls, and remembered why i loved this lifestyle. The people are amazing, being sexual and dancing and kissing girls all night. Whats better than that? Well the next day we were too hungover to go home, so we rented a motel room, tried to sleep all day, and couldnt. We hated feeling hungover, so my friend decided to buy 14 pills. We brought a girl over, and we rolled all night at the motel. I’m laying here 2 days later. And this is my life. I’m a complete mess. I dont know what to do, I don’t care. I am so depressed every day that it scares me. I have anxiety, i have anger, i have sadness, and i always try to quit, but i keep falling into drugs, because it seems like a perfect world to me. I know its not.. but im struggling to make my life worth living. I don’t know who would actually read this entire blog. But all it is, is me venting, and maybe someone might understand me, i dont know. Drugs are hard to quit. Life is hard to deal with. I have no girlfriend, my dad is more in debt then me, and struggling to survive. My bedroom is a goddamn living room. We never have much food. Im broke. Done way too many drugs. Too scared to even sign up for school. I feel like my brain is too fried from drugs. My car is gone. And i’m a very unhappy person. If you’ve had the chance to know me, im so sorry for who i’ve become. I wish i was a better person.

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