So I am 10 and-a-half months sober and still struggling sometmes.

Last week in my mind I had crossed the line – there was no two ways about it. I was going to drink again, no question. I can’t quite remember how it got started but I do know I fed the thought and let it snowball – just for Christmas then stop again in the new year – just like that!

I spent 4 or 5 days of hell with a fevered ape on my back constanly goading me to get booze and get wasted. A really miserable time.

I was so adamant that I would not even post to ask for help – I had decided I was beyond any assistance I was so sure.

The only thing that stopped me was my wife. We have a system in place where she is – if you like, my higher power – she was left to decide if I should drink or not. In my mind when I broached the subject with her she would agree that it was a wonderful idea and we should both get drunk together…WRONG!!

What a massive reality check when I came out of my deluded head and back reality – a real shock.

So I managed to get myself straight and back on track, but it took an almighty effort and was such an awful scary time it left me feeling ill!

Then today I got the idea again, but instead of feeding it I went straight to her and within an hour things were better again.

I feel sad at myself because with 10 months I should be able to sort myself out – not have to go running to others?? But then to contradict myself – of course I need others – being an alcoholic and powerless over it?

Will I have to on my guard for the rest of my life? Suppose I had been hoping that the urge would go away and I could just forget about it. I suppose that is a bit naive? I don’t know…

Still I am sitting typing this on a Saturday night, alcohol free so I must be doing something right?

Just feel shaken and scared by the whole thing. I don’t want to go back to the dark place.

Sorry for rambling.

Stu.