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    I had been six months sober. I attended AA meetings at the start but felt I was doing OK on my own after a bit. I didn’t feel I was getting a lot out of the meetings. Most in my group were End Stage alcoholics. I was more “cant stop when I start” drinker. But there is no doubt I have a problem with alcohol as when I drank had such blackouts and my behavior when under the influence nearly ended my marriage.

    I have taken up runnng, quit smoking and am doing well at work. My marriage is better since I stopped. Day to day life is good.

    Tonight was my 32nd birthday and I went for dinner at a fancy restaurant with my husband. I used to have wine with my meals and tonight I became fixated with the fact I couldn’t do that now. Then I felt really angry. I told my husband before we went out that I was feeling like a drink tonight.

    I am due to attend a party with him next week. Typically there is a lot of drinking at these parties. They are drinking parties disguised as business functions. I told my husband I was worried about how I’d cope at this as I was drinking last time I was there and he said “make whatever excuse you like, I will be drinking”. I got so angry because of what he’d said and because of the way I was already feeling that we ended up having a huge row.

    It culminated in my husband telling me he had the moral high ground in our relationship and I had no-one to blame but myself for that. I did a lot of things I am not proud of when I drank but I really have been trying my best this last 6 months.

    The thing is, folks, am I going to spend the rest of my life feeling like this? It is better than the way I felt after my drunks but I am frightened to socialize where there is drink. There is such a drinking culture in Ireland that you are almost treated like a pariah if you do not imbibe alcohol at social functions.

    After tonight I feel I have reached the end of my rope and am really feeling sorry for myself. I am afraid I will drink again..I am afraid to drink. I am afraid.

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