- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
- December 4, 2015 at 9:26 am#38053AnonymousInactive
Well, I spent the last hour writing my whole life story out here but I’m not really sure that was appropriate. I’m not even sure if I am willing to share any of it.
To be honest the only reason I even decided to look for a forum such as this is because I drove home drunk tonight. I currently have three minor in possessions and one DWI. All are spaced out over a 1 1/2 year time line.
I promised myself I would never drive drunk again after I got hit with my first DWI. Unfortunately I still do it. I was sure that all of my court fines and possible jail time would scare me away from drinking but it hasn’t. I’m scared about what I need to do to stop myself.
I am not looking for attention, because if I was I would discuss this with all of my friends. I want this private. I want to know hot to help myself. I will have to take SATOP the 22nd of December, but my Lawyer has pretty much already told me that they will tell me I’m just an alcoholic. I do not look for help there.
I just want to know how I can stop myself from drinking. I promise myself I will not drink for the next week and then something comes up, or someone texts me “Thirsty Thursday, you drinking tonight?”. It’s almost impossible for me to stop myself.
I try and con myself into feeling something about drinking all the time but I can’t. In fact, I actually feel like I’m lying to myself. I recently started talking to God (I’m not in this for a religious debate). Sometimes I feel like I’m only talking to him to make myself feel better. Other times I feel like I”m only talking to him to see if he will take pitty and divert cops from my general direction so i can drive home safely while drunk.
I just feel like I am lying to myself. All the time.
Have any of you ever been so… I don’t really know how to explain it. Drinking is who I am. It feels like when I try to speak against it I am just simply lying to myself. Hell, I could be lying right now and just craving attention and wouldn’t know the difference. I just need help, I know this much.
I fear my college studies will eventually permanently suffer from my drinking, as well as my family. My Grand Parents pretty much raised me (me and my mom did not get a long at all), and it hurts them to see me get into so much trouble when I have so much “potential”.
What should be my first step? How can I stop lying to myself? How can I be sure that this isn’t just an attention grabbing scheme? As you can tell I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself. It always seems to end in a failure, and I feel worse than before I made the decision to make a change.
My drinking needs to stop. Plain and simple. Three MIP’s and a DWI. I’m paying thousands of dollars in court and lawyer fee’s, and it still won’t register in my head that I need to stop drinking. I just wish I could make myself believe, but I don’t know.
I sort of feel I’ve been lying to myself about everything since I was very little, actually, I know I have been. I know this just kind of rambles on, I have had quite a bit to drink tonight, but I figure it’s better than waiting until I’m sober and backing out of this. Maybe some responses of people in similiar situations can help me out. I know there has to be people in situations like me. It’s just not right for someone to not be able to trust themselves and it be an isolated incident.
Anyway, any help would be appreciated. I haven’t called any hot lines, I haven’t called any numbers. I drink every weekend, usually a 30 case of natty and a 12 pack of bud heavy a night. Sometimes less, sometimes more. Just depends I guess. I’m 184 lb’s, 5’10, I live in Missouri, and all that jazz. My life isn’t hard. I was raised by my grand parents, they love me, i love them. I have a nice house, I wasn’t raised poor, I was given everything I needed.
Help me uncover my inner problem, because as shallow and as self councious as I am with all of this, there is obviously something wrong. Once again, I’m sorry this doen’st make sense, but I had to do something before I pussied out again.
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