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    There are three children in my family. My brother myself and my sister. When we were growing up, my sister was the golden child. She could do no wrong. If she made a mistake my brother and I were blamed for it. My mother thought it was funny when she treated me and my brother like kack.

    When I would get angry, my mother would tell me that I :
    -was older and therefore needed to forgive my sister for whatever she had done no matter how egregious.
    -Needed to be a better Christian ie even without an apology or any semblance of remorse from my sister.

    etc etc. I’m sure anyone who has grown up with a GC in their family knows the drill.

    Anyhow, my sister from then onwards has always done whatever the heck she wanted. What’s funny is that after being accorded GC status, she no longer really listens to my mother or father. She doesn’t really even seem to consider my mothers feelings. Like on long weekends when my mother is alone, she wont stick around, no matter how lonely my mother seems. She will leave. or when my mother tries to contront her about anything, she goes from 0 to 60 in like 2 seconds.

    My mother was the kind of person who would get angry with me for being angry. She would get angry with me for not forgiving fast enough. (without an apology, or even an acknowlegement that I had been wronged or treated badly) Which I dealt with by learning to suppress my emotions. Which I learned worked a lot better with alcohol rather than sheer willpower.

    Anyway, the relationship between my sister and I has never been anywhere close to good. After a while of course it got really hard not to feel anything. And after a few years of drinking, instead of making me feel numb, gave me liquid courage. I was finally able to express my feelings of anger and bitterness (via text message of course because liquid courage only goes so far)

    I called her names, the b word, the s word etc etc. Im only sorry that I put it in writing because she forwarded it to everyone. I wish I had just been able to pick up the phone and scream at her.

    I wish I had been brave enough to confront my mother about her part in creating this.

    Anyway, after years of my sister and I being ships in the night, my mother has suddenly decided that it concerns her ‘deeply’ that we don’t have a relationship. We only got along, if I never ever challenged her at all. Not even a little. If my sister was being nice, she would speak to me in a barely suppressed rage and or frustration.

    My mother called me today and said, I’m the older sibling and that basically it was my job to make it right.

    The thing is, (and again no one forces me to drink)
    1. I’m tired of always having to be the one to make it right.
    2. I’m tired of being the one who always has to just suck it up and go on without an apology or even any acknowlegement of the wrongs that have been done to me.
    3. I’m tired of my mother making me apologize / capitulate because it is easier than getting my sister to say sorry / make any changes.
    4. I’m tired of pretending that my mother did not have anything to do with creating this situation.
    5. I’m tired of my mother only being concerned when I express anger or dissatisfaction with the present arrangement.
    6. I don’t care anymore about having a warm maternal or fillial relationship with my sister. Living with narcissists will do that to you. Eventually they just squeeze the love out of your heart.
    7. I admit that I stopped loving or even liking my sister and mother years ago. (I’m sorry, they just wore it out of me)
    8. I feel such resentment when I see how forgiving and accomodating my sister is with her friends and understand that that does not extend to me.
    9. If my parents cannot control my sister’s behavior, then how the hell do they expect me to. Particularly after my mother underminded my authority as the elder sibling for years.
    10. I resent having to literally crawl over broken glass for forgiveness when I’ve made a mistake but never receive an apology or so much as acknowlegement when I am the victim.

    I just don’t care if my sister likes me or not. I no longer care if I upset her or not. I’m tired of walking around on eggshells when im around my mother and my sister. I’m tired of feeling like i’ve been gypped. I am angry that my family only gets concerned when I express disatissfaction.

    I don’t think that my sister or my mother are going to change. I accept that baring a minor miracle it is highly unlikely that I will have an intimate relationship with either of them. For a long time that hurt. It doesn’t anymore and I now hate / resent anyone who tries to change that becauese it took many hours of therapy to come to this place and I’m glad I’m finally here because its a much less painful place to be.

    Thank you for listening

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