- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
- December 1, 2016 at 6:23 pm#40909AnonymousInactive
I don’t know if I’m at the point of suicide or drinking, but essentially they are the same thing. I’m in the worst situation of my life and have no idea what to do.
Background: recovering alcoholic in my 20th year, depression (on medication), no alcoholics in family but sexual abuse as a child and mother who was schizophrenic.
For much of my sobriety I did very well; I achieved major professional success and my childhood dream (world travel) was realized. My present situation is this: I’ll be heading to housing court for the third time and probably loose my home of 30 years and I’m waiting for the electricity to be shut off.
So, what happened? Five years ago I slid into a major depressive episode that was so bad I literally could not get out of bed. Thanks to a wonder psychopharmacologist & psychiarist I was put on medication that did “restore me to sanity”. I was able to function although there was a strange detachment to it … still, considering the alternative it was a miracle.
I sold a company I had built during sobriety and did quite well during this period. I was left with nothing much to do, had to start over at something.
Another critical thing happened: my best friend of 30 years moved out of town to live with a girlfriend in another state and refused to speak to me on the phone. There was no explanation. This was someone I talked to three times per day, who I saw three times per week. Not an alcoholic, I guess you would call him my enabler.
Since that time my life has been going steadily downhill. I went through the money I made and had to support myself. I’ve been doing terribly for two years and have wound up in this situation. I’m constantly distracted, lost concentration and lots of self-sabotaging. I’ve lost other friends as well, even my brother doesn’t want much to do with me.
My program. While I was doing great, AA was sort of secondary, I’d get to maybe one meeting per week. No sponsor. Since my depression, I got a sponsor who resigned two weeks ago, I had increased meetings but right now it’s almost impossible to drag myself out of my apartment.
I talk to my doctor and he sees me even though I can’t afford to pay him. My depression is coming back, I spent three days in isolation in my apartment. My character flaw: not being honest because of shame and guilt (I don’t tell people about my problems until the lights are about to go off).
I’m alone, in a terrible situation and my depression is getting worse.
Any suggestions? I know, my whole life is a mess, I’m a screw up.
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