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    Where to start…42 years old…divorced 5 years…3 kids…alcoholic. There I said it!

    I went to rehab for 30 days in July2009. I had a quick descent from rarely drinking for most of my adult life…to post divorce drinking a few glasses of wine every night for a few years (supplemented by pot smoking)…to round the clock drinking that landed me in detox/rehab (3 weeks or so of that madness). All through this I’ve managed to keep my career in medical sales.

    Ended a 3 year horrible relationship while I was in rehab. Post rehab…meetings meetings meetings. Started practicing yoga again and got my 200 hr yoga teaching cert.

    Met “J” early 2010. At that point, I considered my dating life ‘closed for business’. Well, that didn’t last long and we started dating in April 2010. He’s a police officer by the way.

    I didn’t tell him right away about the rehab thing…and he isn’t much of a drinker so it wasn’t a big deal that I didn’t. It started with an occasional glass of wine with dinner. Soon, I was hiding my drinking from him, and apparently I was quite good at it. By previous standards, I wasn’t drinking a lot (1/4 to 1/2 pint of vodka a day)…yet still drinking/ hiding. This went on for 3 months or so until after an argument I came clean.

    This was 6 weeks or so ago. During this time, he’s struggled with the betrayal of me not coming clean about rehab (and WHY I went….I told him it was for the pot because my addict brain knew if I told him drinking, I’d never be able to have that wine in his presence)…and of course the hiding.

    We got in a fight a week ago about something small…which turned into him re-thinking everything…my betrayal, etc…and he ended our relationship.

    He is a GOOD man. Jeez did I mess this up. I haven’t been drinking since I came clean…but that isn’t enough to fix this. We are still talking a lot but I’m pretty sure I’ve ruined it for good. I keep trying to explain that this wasn’t an intentional betrayal but it falls on deaf ears i might as well have cheated on him and robbed him blind. I guess I can see it from his perspective – too much work. At the same time the rejection and ‘not being worth it’ plays right into the insecurities that are pretty much the core of my addiction. ARGH so hard.

    At this point all I can do is worry about staying sober and working on myself….I am so disgusted with myself at the moment all I can do is sit in bed and cry.

    I have an appointment with an inegrative medicine therapist (east meets west if you will) next tues (with a background in addiction therapy). I’m hoping he has some insight but in the interim, any advice for me? Any advice on how to fix my relationship?

    I will add that my job is going well…I’m very physically active..health is good…kids are doing great…somehow I didn’t make a total disaster.

    I just feel like such a failure right now. :a108:

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