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- September 1, 2008 at 6:17 pm#34039AnonymousInactive
Well, for those of you whom I haven’t told yet, I had a slip-up last week. One week I’m celebrating 4 months of sobriety, and the next I’m downing a handful of codeine! :wtf2
When I first started into my suboxone program, I was cheating every way coming and going. Most of you probably remember that. And then apparently I had some sort of revelation one day, after being told that it was my final chance before getting kicked out of the program. lol–Revelations seem to come to a person when you feel you have no other choice. Anyway, I’ve been going along with the program. Not taking anything I wasn’t supposed to, going to my counselling sessions, never missing a doctor’s appt. and giving clean drug tests every Monday. As you can read from my other posts, I had 2 very close calls where I had the pills out in my hand and put them back. Well, this time I didn’t give myself time to think about it and downed about 8 or 9 Tylenol #3’s that my mom had inadvertantly left in her car. It wasn’t planned. It was spur of the moment. However, I’ll gladly admit that the idea had popped in my head a couple times during the week b/c my pdoc was giving me this week off b/c of the holiday, and I knew I wasn’t getting drug tested today. So I wouldn’t exactly call that planning. Like I said, the thought had crossed my mind, but I would quickly brush it aside. Now I wish I had given second thought before I downed those pills this past Thursday. I also will admit that I gave it enough thought in that I knew I had only taken a small dose of suboxone earlier that morning. So I figured I’d at least get a little buzz off of it. I had before in my earlier days of the program when I was cheating right and left.
Well, here’s why I stopped beating myself up over it. First of all I got tired of the bruises I was giving myself and sooo tired of the self-pity party I was throwing! Secondly, I felt nothing from the pills. Zero. Zip. NADA! Now I know this was in large part to having a fairly steady dose of sub in my system. But I had only taken 2 mg much earlier in the day, and the naloxone in it doesn’t have that long of a half life. Maybe something in me has changed. I took the pills, felt nothing, and didn’t want anymore. Simple as that. It’s never been that simple before, so needless to say I’m flabbergasted. And I’m also ecstatic!!!! Oh, I know it doesn’t mean that I might not still crave in the future, or that this epiphany will keep me from ever using again, but for right now, I’m going with it. I’m turning this mistake into a lesson, which we all need to do from time to time.
I had been wondering a lot lately about what it means when someone says the desire to use or drink was taken from them. I had never felt that. The mental addiction was far more dangerous for me than the physical, and much harder to control. This experience has made me realize that I really need to work on my spirituality. Early on I was meditating, and it helped so much. I’m going to go back to doing that and work a little harder on the spiritual side of who I am. I am a firm believer in addiction not just being about the physical aspects, but the mental, spiritual, and emotional. All of which need healing.
There is something that I’m not sure about at the moment and that is whether to tell my doctor or not. I think, more than likely, the pills will be out of my system by next Monday when I go for a drug screen. I took them this past Thursday. Surely they would be gone in 11 days, don’t you think??? I know some of you might yell at me for being concerned about this and tell me I have to be honest with the doc. Under usual circumstances I would totally agree. However, he did tell me that last time, all those months ago, that it was my last chance. Whether or not I maintain my career in medicine is thinly hanging in the balance at this point. If I admit to him what happened, he could make this very ugly for me and I could lose the chance of gaining back my career for a single, very stupid mistake. A lot of people keep telling me to stop worrying so much about it, that relapses happen. I know this, but there are some out there that don’t have a promising career that they’re trying to get back. They can relapse, and learn from their mistakes without having to worry about the kind of thing I have at stake. And I sincerely hope I don’t offend anyone by that.
So, what would you do in my shoes? I appreciate all candid advice. Just try to not beat up on me too much. . . I did enough of that to myself this weekend! :a043:
Thanks for listening everyone! Peace and Love to all! :Meditate:
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