Hi guys,

I have started this new thread five times and then deleted it before I posted it. I’m s embarrassed and angry with myself. I knew going in to this week, because I had the week off teaching because of Spring Break that I was vulnerable. I know if I don’t post this and get talking about it, a three day relapse is going to turn in to four days…..five days…..six…..who know where it will stop.

So, a friend dropped by that I had not seen in a while. We both used to go the the Cancer Survivors Support group. She didn’t call before she dropped by, or I may have been able to guard myself a little more. She was only in the house a couple of minutes when she pulled out her new script. I used to buy from her all the time, so she asked if I wanted any. She KNEW I was not using, I talked to her a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t even hesitate when she handed me one, not for a second. Needless to say, it didnt do much because I had already taken my sub, so I took a few more. ARGHH!!!! I hate myself so much right now. After she left, I was literally sick to my stomach. I threw up so many times, I thought I was going to die! BUT, did that stop me???? Nope! I had to do some more damage, went and got some money and bought a whole pile more. The last three days have been hell. There has not been one moment, not one second that was enjoyable. I kept chasing it though, kept thinking if I took one more. It was awful, is awful, I am still sick.

Now, I have really messed up my sub, have not taken it in two days, not quite sure how to restart it, BUT I do know I am NOT going to take any more oxy. I am actually a little surprised at how really awful it has been. I have been remembering it to be a lot better. So, now I am just sitting here sick, and totally disgusted with myself. I have not done one thing I wanted to do this week, because after the trip to get pills, I have not left the house, have not even showered. What a mess!

I know there are a few people here that have been depressed and craving, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT USE!!!! It was not worth it. I just emailed my friend, some friend, and asked her NOT to come over any more. I am obviously not strong enough to say NO! when I should.

I hesitate again to post this, would hate if this was a trigger to anyone, and I apologize to everyone that I have met here that have been so supportive. I have got to get myself together!:headbange

First thing, a shower…long overdue.

Again. I’m sorry.

Lizzy:c020: