Search for Addiction Treatment Centers Near You Forums Substance Abuse My very first online cry for help

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    Anonymous
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    I am here for advice and hopefully to rebuild my life. I’m a good girl, I really am but a few years ago I was the victim of date rape, I had my drink spiked and never thought that that could ever happen to me. I’m a female in my late 30’s and this incident happened only a few months after I was married for the first time. I began to put it behind me although even with the help from the law this man was never charged. Anyway shortly after I had surgery for something minor, the surgery wasn’t successful and to make a long story short I had to go through three more surgeries to correct everything. This is when I had discovered Percocet and Vicodin, I began to notice that these drugs were making me feel good as apposed to being green in the face when I first began to take them.

    Well a year later I wanted to stop taking these pills I had an addiction that was getting out of control. I arranged to go to an outpatient clinic for help, I had work that same day, it was early in the morning and I was in full blown withdrawals as I had not taken a percocet in just over 18 hours. I was given the drug that treats withdrawals and it was a huge success, I even felt well enough to go to work that same day. My life had changed for the better. For little over a year I was living life as I know as normal and I was so happy. I’m not certain if I’m allowed to say the medication name that I was given to treat my addiction but I suppose as long as I’m not giving medical advice I can possibly say that the medication I was on was Subutex. It was a life changing experience BUT……..

    This is the real reason I am here today and this is why I need as much help as I can possibly get. You see, Those surgeries that I mentioned having were never a complete success and I had one last opportunity to correct it once and for all. This was something I had waited for for a very long time but of course I knew it would involve pain medication. I went to one doctor and explained to him that I was taking a the drug Subutex for opiate addiction. He ushered me out of his office telling me I could not in any way have the surgery unless I was off this med for three months at the very least. I found another doctor and decided to say nothing as I wanted this surgery more than I can tell you. The surgery was a success, I was finally where I wanted to be as far as having what I wanted done, done right for the first time. This was approx 10 months ago. You see I came off the Subutex and once I started taking the pain meds, I couldn’t stop. I ended up going to a pain clinic, there the dr prescribed me without question a prescription for 100+ 30mg of Oxycodone which I had never taken before. I always figured that if I need to get off of these pain pills I would just go without them for 24 hours and then just simply take my Subutex.

    The thing is…. I have tried three times to come off of these Oxy’s as they are ruining my life. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be social, or date, or anything. I want to stop!!! The first time I tried to quit, I waited 24 hours, I didn’t somehow feel like I was in a state of full blown withdrawals but I certainly wasn’t feeling great so I took my first Sub….. BAD CHOICE…. I started to feel worse, as time went by It got even more worse, Oh my goodness my legs ached soooo bad and my body would just drip in sweat. I had to give in and go back to my pain killers to take away the agony. I failed but I was willing to try again. The next time I waited 48 hours (meanwhile doing this all alone, no-one knew) before taking my first Sub and again the same thing happened, my body went into a worse state. I was in complete depression, like I had hit the bottom of the barrel and was going to have to live there.

    The thing is now I am secluding myself from the outside world and making excuses to avoid people as best I can as I’m no longer getting high… I’m at a point where I am taking the pain medication to avoid withdrawals. Every once in a while my body heats up to an extent that I sweat through every pour iun my body even though I am taking the same dosage 30mgs anywhere from 6 to 12 a day. It’s completely taken over my life and I feel I am beyond the point of going to one of those clinics that request you wait 24 hours to feel withdrawals before they can administer the Subutex. I know in my heart that I need inpatient care at this point. I need to go somewhere that will supervise me throughout my withdrawal stage as I now know because of the strength of meds I am taking no quicky outpatient place will work for me.

    I am desperate, I have no one who can help. I have been to numerous sites that offer help but (1) I worry it may be too expensive and (2) I dread calling from my phone in fear of being recognised as a drug addict. I didn’t know it would be this hard. When I used to take Percocets it was so easy to withdrawal and recover with Sub but now I have come to realise that I am at a point where I am a person who needs more attention and supervision. I fear if I try to do this alone again my body will go into seizures because when I do try to stop I twitch along with my many other withdrawal symptoms. I want to get over this major hurdle of being able to take Subs again and put the pain meds behind me, I want to be normal so bad. I know some people would say… If you want it bad enough then what are you waiting for… It’s not as easy as that because I truly don’t know who can help me or where I should go. As I said my major goal is to be able to get back on the Subs but it’s unbelievably hard to do that now given the strength I take. I have tried to cut back or should I say taper but I swear when I cut back at all my body reacts and I feel the symptoms taking over. I worry so much because even though I’m not cutting back I am going through occasional withdrawal symptoms. I’m lost, confused and so alone in need of advice. I would like to be able to conquer this and eventually advise others. Oh god I feel like my body is on fire just typing this.

    I may not have been clear in some areas so if it will help benefit a recovery please feel free to ask me questions but I am truly searching for advice. I don’t want to live like this anymore, I swear I don’t. If I had only known the power a stronger type of painkiller would have over me I would have never taken the Oxy’s. Sorry if my post is too long or maybe even confusing. Maybe someone has been through the same thing? I have have a small frame and I don’t know how much longer my body will be able to handle my horrible addiction. I need help badly so so badly! Pain meds are not worth dying over. Anyone?

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