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  • #37718
    Anonymous
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    I’ve been struggling, even though I’m back on the Suboxone. I haven’t relapsed, but I came very, very, very close last night. I was upset when I went to bed. Two things were upsetting me, neither was anything that I could change, at least not right away. I was glad to get to bed and get the day over. It was my way of escaping things.

    So much for escape. I woke in the middle of the night. I often have dreams that, even though they may not be using dreams, they generate feelings that result in me waking up, craving. Last night, I woke in such emotional pain and with an excruciating need to numb. It wasn’t that I WANTED to use. I HAD to use. I had to do whatever I could to stop the pain. I have small lists around the house, as my sponsor suggested. They tell me what to do when I want to use: pray, phone some, be grateful, distract, read AA/NA literature, and help someone. It’s a good list, I know. But, I pray and I get more upset because even though I “know” that God hears, I don’t feel it. There are times that I need to feel that He hears.

    Last night, I was sobbing so hard, I couldn’t talk to anyone. HALT is another thing my sponsor had me put on the list. I grabbed a half sleeve of crackers and came to 12 Step National Meetings. This all sounds so very calm as I write it. I wasn’t calm. I was frantic. I was beyond frantic and I was in so much pain that I was beside myself. I was afraid of the pain because, even though I needed to use, I couldn’t use, I wanted to die.

    I’m afraid that I’m going crazy and I only think that everything is related to addiction. I don’t know what I would have done had the sleeping pill that I took earlier not made me fall asleep at the computer while I tried to distract with 12 Step National Meetings.

    I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess that I’m just wondering if this is really addiction related or if something else is going on. I know that people have cravings and that, as addicts, we obsess. But, is it typical for the disease of addiction to manifest or exacerbate emotional pain so much that a person honestly feels as though they are going insane and feels as though if they can’t numb, the only thing left is to die?

    I know that these feelings aren’t rational. However, when I’m consumed by them, the pain is as real as if a dagger were being stuck in my chest. Telling myself that I’m not going to die as a result of feelings and, therefore, I don’t need to numb, doesn’t help. I wish that I could begin to describe just how horrible it can be, or is this typical and you already know?

    Sometimes, I wish that I were the only one in my little world because if I were, I really think that I’d give up. I know that using doesn’t solve anything. I know that it eventually creates even more problems and heartaches. That’s why I haven’t gone out today and am clean this afternoon. It’s just that I really wish that I were happy about it. But, I’m not and I’m afraid. I’m frustrated and discouraged. I just want to shut down. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

    I don’t know if I’m going to make it. I just really don’t know.

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