Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #31086
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone.

    tonight, my daughter, husband and myself meet with a counselor (LCSW,CEAP,MAC,LADAC,SAP)…not sure what all her credentials mean but, a counselor none the less.

    i’m suppose to write down what i think my attempt at recovery should be….now you know i’m going to the meetings, etc because it is a requirment placed on me…..this will be what I think i need to do to show my family that i am serious about recovery.

    i am going to continue with the meetings….i had a much better attitute yesterday when i went…..still can’t say i have a sobriety date yet…but i’m trying.

    i’ve got myself into a few money messes that i’m crunching my brain to get out of…..don’t know how i’m going to solve them.

    you guys….i’ve got to try 100%……i have to want this recovery…..how do i convince myself that i want it? i say i want it….i say i don’t want to lose my family and will do what’s required…..but how do i know and feel ready to make a change in my life?

    i think each of you that have clean time had a breaking point……how do i get there? tell me.

    i want to feel like it’s the most important thing that i’ll ever do…..yet….i can’t force a feeling.

    can you help me? i know you can only share what it took for you but how am i going to change? i think it must be a life altering, moment, doesn’ it?

    i just don’t want to go through the motions……i want to want it badly!

    #163730
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey Movin..
    I hear ya..I just pray alot…”I wannna , wanna”.
    We have been doing this a long time and it is pretty normal to not feel totally committed to something that we are not used to doing..
    You have made so much progress!!! Serious, you have really come around!! Give yourself some credit!! I notice you don’t do much of that…
    I am really proud of you for going to meetings !! Just keep it one day at at time..don’t future trip..Its hard enoguh for one day isn’t it?.
    There are no gaurantees for any or us,,,we just have to live today the best we can..
    I guess that is not really any kind of answer to what you were asking..but I have to keep it really simple right now for myself!!
    love north

    #163741
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    One thing I have found, and this sucks, is that we all have our own bottoms and tolerance to pain. For some of us, a loss of a job or the hurt on our loved ones faces is enough to snap us straight and give us the desire needed. For me, it wasn’t that simple. I went as far down as I could. Gutter level. Lost it all and had a death wish. It took a lot of attempts and a lot of destruction before the pain of using was greater then the pain of staying clean. I held on to that and it worked. I remembered my lowest lows and didnt want to go back. I knew, I couldnt use successfully and eventually, the end was always the same. It was a Black Hole full of pain. When I wanted to use, I trained my mind to not think about the beginning of the binges and obsess on the first hour or two of being high, but I played out the tapes to how they all ended. With me, broke, alone and hopeless. In pain.

    Overtime, and by working a program and staying clean, my life got better and I when the thought of using crossed my mind, I would think of all I had in my life now, that I would lose, and I would also think about how it all ends. See, they say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I use to think the binges would have a happy ending, but that was insane.

    One thing, I have seen from going to meeting, is that you don’t have to go as far down as me. If you can understand a fraction of what I am saying, and if you can admit that what is in me is in you and that your ends could be the same as mine. Then you dont have to go as far down the rabbit hole, you just have to believe us when we say, it doesn’t get any better the deeper you go and dont let us pass you by on the way back up. Just trust us and come back up with us.

    but, if your like me then you suffer from the thought of you thinkin your different then me and you can handle the rabbit hole and you will go down deeper just to see.

    I use to sell crack.
    I had one client who went from being a happy married couple, business, kids, home…to losing the business, the kids, and the home. They started off shop lifting to pay for the crack, and withing a couple of months, she began blowing people for 20 bucks just to buy them another hit.

    They went from your next door neighbour to a crack ***** in a couple of months.

    I seen a grey cup champion football player sell the Championship ring off his finger for crack. This was someones son, someone who dreamed of being a football star.
    Someone who made it to the top of his Game in Canada, and he gave all of his childhood dreams for one more hit on the pipe.

    Are you any different then us?

    Get honest with yourself and look at where your life is going. Don’t try and make a Anthony Robins Moment and Positive think your self to a better life. Its BS.
    Each day you use, your life is degrading and take an honest look at where its going.
    Come out of the rabbit hole. Trust us until you can trust yourself.

    #163736
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    dopelesshope, that is a landmark post. Thanks for that.

    I hit a my own rock bottom and it was intolerable for me to sink any lower. I guess in comparison, I was fortunate. I hadn’t squandered all my resources and still had something to work with to come back.

    In the beginning though, I was aimless. I didn’t know what to do to get myself motivated to want my recovery, only that I wanted it. I wanted to get back into life and live it straight, like most of the other people on the planet.

    The thing that helped me was to identify someone who had what I wanted and do what they do. Since I wanted sobrieity, I found those types of people at meetings. I talked to a lot of people who had solid clean time and told them that I wanted what they had and could they give me some insight. Over time, I found a few people who inspired me – turned on a light in me so to speak. It was tough, because it wasn’t comfortable. I wanted to return to drugs badly, but I couldn’t because this this disgust at being addicted was for me, episodic. Everything had to change.

    So finally after some time, I am becoming comfortable with being straight. With a simpler life. I’m rambling but that’s what works for me.

    Movin On, Thank You for sharing your experiences here. You are helping a lot of people including me.

    #163735
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Dopeless said exactly what I was thinking. Sometimes we have to hit OUR bottom. Someone’s bottom may be a lot deeper than someone elses. But the desire to quit really is the thing you have to want. I wish I had some magic answer to tell you how that happens;I just don’t know.

    When I was in IOP we wrote an addiction journal. Each time we were in active addiction, we wrote what good/bad happened during that time. We did the same thing during periods of sobriety. I realized that I obtained most of the things I wanted in my life when I was sober.

    #163738
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    good morning….waking up and reading your post have set precedence over my day today. you’ve all encouraged me to make today the day that i get sick of it all. I hope i don’t have to go so deep as some of you and so today i will try again and try to surround myself with those postitive clean people.

    i know that getting high use to be just to get a buzz….it was fun…..but now it’s to cover up pain in my life — i just have to find a way to deal with the pain, learn from it and face it head on — sober.

    thanks again for all your input as it really helps me think clearly.

    #163737
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Moving On;

    You know what, you have made a measurable move forward since we first spared over at the COR board. You’ve really come quite a ways as a matter of fact.

    And that inspires me. I’m going through a bit of a dark phase right now, possibly due to the time of year – I’m working on finding out why (instead of reaching for my D.O.C. thankfully). But your thread has brought some brightness to my day.

    So thanks again!

    #163729
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I know a woman who says, “I had to pray for the willingness to be willing.”

    Peace & Love,
    Sugah

    #163742
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @Movin On 1499837 wrote:

    good morning….waking up and reading your post have set precedence over my day today. you’ve all encouraged me to make today the day that i get sick of it all. I hope i don’t have to go so deep as some of you and so today i will try again and try to surround myself with those postitive clean people.

    i know that getting high use to be just to get a buzz….it was fun…..but now it’s to cover up pain in my life — i just have to find a way to deal with the pain, learn from it and face it head on — sober.

    thanks again for all your input as it really helps me think clearly.

    You can do it, one day at a time. Go to meetings. You will hear your story and see yourself in others. Or, as the readings say

    “We feel that our approach to the disease of addiction is completely realistic, for the therapeutic value of one addict helping another is without parallel. We feel that our way is practical, for one addict can best understand and help another addict. We believe that the sooner we face our problems within our society, in everyday living, just that much faster do we become acceptable, responsible, and productive members of that society.

    The only way to keep from returning to active addiction is not to take that first drug. If you are like us you know that one is too many and a thousand never enough. We put great emphasis on this, for we know that when we use drugs in any form, or substitute one for another, we release our addiction all over again.”

    Just go to meeting, bring your body and the mind will follow.

    The Dopeless Hope Fiend

    #163739
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @Brewster 1499907 wrote:

    Moving On;

    You know what, you have made a measurable move forward since we first spared over at the COR board. You’ve really come quite a ways as a matter of fact.

    And that inspires me. I’m going through a bit of a dark phase right now, possibly due to the time of year – I’m working on finding out why (instead of reaching for my D.O.C. thankfully). But your thread has brought some brightness to my day.

    So thanks again!

    you did make me mad; however, i think you caused me to want to do something about my life.

    i’m sorry you’re going through a rough spot but i think you’ll be okay…..you’re over the whole drug scene–that much i can tell. And….i am listening when you say that your trying to figure out why you feel down…..i need to apply that. i need to try to figure out my bad days and instead of running to the drug dealer for help….run as fast to a meeting as possible. So…i’m paying attention to you and all the other folks that have learned how to stay clean.

    brewster…..go outside and just try to find that beautiful moon (through the clouds) and remind yourself that you’re so very blessed!

    anyway….always good to hear from you!!

    #163728
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    i had peer into the abyss and almost fall into it a few times. hope you don’t have to do that. it’s sucky.

    #163740
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    MO
    When I first started trying to get clean, I really wasn’t ready to give up my DOC. I actually did it for a while “successfully” – which means I only spent the amount of money and time I planned in advance. Then I would go for sometimes a month and stay clean.

    But each time I did it, I felt like sh– aftewards…the guilt, shame, disgust. It all got worse and worse. Then I stayed clean for almost 2 years and had a week-long relapse. That was when I just decided that the high I got while doing the dope wasn’t worth how I felt afterwards. I finally just went back to what I was told …. one day (or second or minute) at a time. I told myself that if I got tired of this recovery thing my DOC would always be there.

    So far it’s working. I’m dealing with MAJOR money problems that I ignored when I was too busy getting high. But today, I don’t want to get high ’cause I don’t want to deal with the after-effects.

    I agree with Sugah….for a long time I had to pray to be WILLING to want to be clean. After a while I prayed to be clean (i had become willing) and today I say “thank you for another day clean and sober”.

    I totally understand where you are. I knew I couldn’t get clean if I didn’t really want it, but I just didn’t think I was at that point yet. On those days I would realize I had a few hours clean and figured a few more wouldn’t hurt. Before long, those hours turned into days and now they’re months.

    Keep trying and keep posting. The people here at 12 Step National Meetings have helped me so much and I learn something every day.

    Good luck!
    Amy

    #163731
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    If ya stare into the abyss long enough it’ll begin to stare back.

    #163734
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Looking back on when I wanted to want to quit I realize the “wanting to want to” was itself the wanting to. It was the discipline to listen to myself that was not there yet. This learning to listen to myself and follow my feelings ( as opposed to putting them on hold with crack) has been one of the hardest things to do for me. A daily challenge– but thank god I am progressing.
    I guess what I am saying is you have already taken a great stride in going to counselling (and with your family too!) and that desire to want to quit is already manifesting itself in your life. Keep that up and you will be farther along than you planned to be!

    #163733
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My story – some would say I hit rock bottom several times, but I am stubborn and even after some bad things happened and still not learning my lessening I did not quit until I was ready and was in a hole so deep I coudnt get out of. I am an alcoholic and xanax addict and I had been drinking for 25 yrs and popping xanax for 5 yrs- large amounts. 18 yrs old – DWI-put on probation for 1 year. I got 2 more DWI’s about 3 yrs ago, on my last DWI had to serve 2 wks in county jail and my license was suspended for 2 yrs. I have also gotten arrested for 2 public intoxications and 1 contribution to a minor. And after all that I still contimued to use, thinking as long as I stayed home and drank and popped bars I would be ok, it didnt work out that way. Towards the end I was going to a pain doctor to get my xanax and they also gave me pain pills called Lortabs. I would keep the xanax and sell the pain pills. We were always broke cause I was spending too much money on pills and alcohol and on top of that my son was also addicted to drugs and selling them, and he would use the money he made to buy weed and other drugs. He is now drugfree thank god and living w/his wife and they have a 2 month old son which is my grandson. And while I was doing all this my younger son was for the most part being neglected due to all my problems ad my oldest sons problems. ANd my parents were trying to get me son straight and also myself but at that time they just thought I had an alcohol problem they didnt know I had a problem with xanax they just thought I was taking it for my anxiety. Then thelast few months I knew I needed to quit I was waking up shaking so bad I had to drink a few beers and pop some pills just to stop the shaking and my husband did threaten to divorce me but I had decided on my own to quit cause I was sick and tired of the way I was feeling and so I called my parents and asked my dad for money to go to a detox hospital and so I went thru detox and outpatient therapy and now I am 2 months sober.

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