- This topic has 16 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 12, 2013 at 12:38 pm#30958AnonymousInactive
I’m not new to recovery, just new here. I have over 7 months clean and sober this past week. Looking at all these folders, I belong in a few different ones so I don’t know if this is right place for the full story, I’ll try to keep it simple and related to this folder.
I grew up in a really great family, my family is tops, I’m very lucky. I don’t have any past sob stories of abuse, or molestation or anything like that. As a teenager my addiction began with work.. yes I said work. LOL
In my junior and senior year of high school I was the only one of all my friends who didn’t go out and party and instead worked. I worked 3 jobs and was also a volunteer for MADD (Mothers against Drunk Drivers) (I lost a friend who was hit by a drunk driver) I graduated high school with excellent grades, stayed at my 3 busy jobs until I found one that would combine all three incomes and then some. One night a bunch of my friends decided they were dragging me out to a local pub. I wasn’t into the bar scene and didn’t have fake id like most of my friends did, however they told me that was no problem where we were going. I drank that night and was completely snockered.. I got in my car and didn’t make it one mile when my car hit a telephone pole (knocked power out on the entire street).. I turned that incident into a learning one and didn’t touch alcohol again for many years to come…
I moved out of my house and into my own little studio apt. I then met my husband who I married less than 8 months after we started dating and had 2 girls (now ages 13 and 15).
I still never really drank and even at my own wedding I had one glass of champagne (still underage at my wedding). I would have a few social drinks out with friends, and I never again drove after drinking .. not even one or two drinks. If I went out, I made sure I was either in walking distance or my husband was home to call for a ride. (he didnt’ drink at all)
Flash forward with a nice life, 2 great kids a Huge house and his 3 figure income and me now owning two businesses of my own. We were pretty much rolling in cash and had a great life all the way around, money was just an added bonus.
My husband decided at 40 that his midlife crisis would involve trying crack cocaine..
flash forward to the next few years of HELL on earth (save details for another foleder.. lol)
After two stints in jail, (him) and 7 rehabs (him again) and 9 detox’s (him again)
you’d think he’d get it. I filed for divorce just 6 months after I confirmed my suspicions and he just went downhill from there and I just went into self-preservation and supermom mode. We lost all our life savings, and he even squandered my kids mutual funds, credit card bills were maxed and I was living off only my income with a $2100 a month mortgage and two kids to care for.
Believe it or not, I have NO recollection of how I crossed the line with alcohol. I started seeing a psychiatrist who loved to get out his script book and wrote me scrip for my Celexa (I had panic disorder) and added Valium and Klonipin to my mix, this he said would help me relax and cope better with things going on.
OHHH boy did they help.. lol Then I discovered I could feel even better if I mixed the valium with booze and the klonipin, I thought that was great, I had discovered how to get drunk with only one or two beers..smart me! WRONG. One beer turned into 2 and 3. At that point my life was JUST starting to come together again financially and I had met someone and fell in love with him big time. Little did I know he was to be addictor #4 (another folder for that?) He of course just HAD to be a recoverying addict himself. Our relationship really never was about drugs, he didn’t supply me, I didn’t supply him, he remained clean/sober but basically chose to ignore my then escalating drinking problem. He would bring home a 6 pack and it didn’t dawn on him that I was taking 4 and hiding them. By that time I was now also prescribed Ambien because I wasn’t sleeping (actually I was never a good sleeper)
Without going through all the relationship issues… I somehow during this time crossed a line. It was no longer going out with friends for one or 2 beers and ending it, now it was, go have one or 2, stop at the store and pick up a 12 pack for the house, and this continued on and on.
In December I was diagnosed with Esophogeal Vericies, for which I needed surgery to band the esophogeal. The doctor tells me this is common among women abusing alcohol and that I had to stop immediately.
I did stop, so then I thought I was cured.. in January I found myself drinking again lightly of course and then a bender which landed me in hospital throwing up blood.
The appt for the surgery was made, a doctor called in to consult with me before hand (referals for counseling and group therapy). They tried to get me to go to AA and I did go to a few meetings, but basically there was no way you were getting me back into what i believe to be a “cult” setting. (no offense as this was my experience)
My surgery was in February and I have not had a drink since. I have completely changed the way I was eating, and was now excercising as all that alcohol did was put weight on me.
With the help of that still then boyfriend who taught me so much about addiction, I focused all my energy into research. I learned it was OK that I had cravings, I was ok and was an alcoholic. Drinking was never again an option for me.
I didn’t hit the bottom like most do, even though the surgery pretty much made it impossible for me to continue on the way I was, I still don’t believe that is what keeps me sober. I am a very rebellious person and everyone was pushing rehab and AA down my throat, so I would show them.. watch and learn was/is my attitude.
I still have not drank since.. no slips, and really no hard core cravings, only thoughts now and again which I fully accept and let myself think them through.
I did however, at the reccomendation of my doctor do the group therapy and behavior modification which was the best thing I ever did. I found a great group with a great therapist who wasn’t one of those that said “Who cares WHY you drank, just don’t drink” She knew my type very well. I had to know why.. I had to get to the bottom of that line I crossed and really understand how someone like me can cross it so late in the game of life when there are addicts who started at the ripe old age of 11 or 12. Here is what I’ve learned (If your still reading, thank you, if you are not, I don’t blame you, I didn’t mean for this to be so long)
back in my early teens I did exhib very manic type behavior.. I was always up.. despite my not drinking or drugging, when I did go to parties, I was the life of the party even without drugs/drinking.. I had so many friends and loved to take outragious dares and was the one whom everyone talked about on Monday, I was superwoman at the age of 17 (three jobs and could still party)
Through my doctor and my therapist and with a few months clean and sober I was diagnosed Bipolar 1. Years before I was diagnosed with ADHD and doctor wanted to medicate me and I said “HELL NO” I love being hyper don’t touch me.
So here I was being told I had bipolar 1. My sister is Bipolar II and is a recovering Heroin addict (Yes..yet another folder for that too?)
What I learned was going back as far as my early/late teens I was using SOMETHING to self-medicate. When I was high.. I WAS HIGH.. no drugs needed for me 🙂 Many would always say if they could bottle up what I had, they’d never be depressed and would get so much done!)
I resisted meds until last spring were I was just not quite feeling like myself. I decided to try a mood stabilizer and anti-depressant. It brought me out of the foggy depression (which was very new to me) but it left me flat and missing my manic and happy self.. a few adjustments later in meds and group therapy and invididual DBT
for Borderline personality disorder) and I am pretty normal. I’m like a very typical Bipolar though, I really miss the manic crazy me..
On the other hand the flat me won’t take as much time out as I used to to make a point and try and win an argument, I won’t quite roll over but I’m not dragging it out like I used to (drama queen)
So there are some benefits to this new me.
Again, I’m sorry this is so long, but this looks like a great group that has a little bit of everything I need (family/friends of substance abusers for issues with my NOW xhb and my recovering sister), (mental health folder for my bipolar and BPD), (substance abuse folder for my abuse of any benzo I could have gotten my hands on)
I don’t know how everyone here is with mixing up stories and them intertwining with different threads in different folders but I’ll do my best to keep the appropriate things in the appropriate threads.
7 months and 7 days and I think I’m doing really well. Thanks for listening!:Val004:September 12, 2013 at 12:54 pm#160334AnonymousInactive
Thanks very much for sharing your story DoingWell. Hope you keep posting!September 12, 2013 at 12:58 pm#160332AnonymousInactive
Congrats on the sober time, keep an open mind about other therapys and groups, not being alone with our alcoholism/addictions I have seen to be key in recovery no matter how one does it. I found my recovery in AA after 10 years of searching for my solution, it sounds like you have found yours.
Congrats on the 7 months sober.September 12, 2013 at 1:06 pm#160336AnonymousInactive
Thank you for the welcome. I still continue to work in group therapy and I am also a member of LifeRing. I do DBT therapy once a week and group twice per week, I don’t look at it as a chore as I enjoy going and interacting. I like interaction which was mainly why I really did not find what I needed in AA (also did NA, Naranon, and alanon)
I stay pretty busy with my therapy and my work, through the therapy I am also learning about all the verious “could be” addictors in my life.
They range from cleaning, to working to even my Xbox 360 :261: so I am getting a lot of what I need.
I really like the variety this forum has, I see a piece of me in every folder just about!!:sadwavey:September 12, 2013 at 1:45 pm#160333AnonymousInactive
I think I self medicated too. I believe that many of us do. It’s a way to deal with a painful life, a way to be able to fit in, or even just cope with the reality of the majority.
Thanks for telling your story.
TedSeptember 12, 2013 at 1:52 pm#160337AnonymousInactive
Hi Ted, Yes many of us addicts have self medicated for something, but it’s not always a bad life we are medicating, in my case it was an underlying bio-chemcial imbalance. My bipolar was my best friend. I loved being manic and crazy and hyper, though when it got to be too tiring and I wanted a down break.. I would reach for the bottle and I think that’s when self-medicating came in for me anyway.
I never had a bad life, sure I had ups/downs like most people, but nothing so bad in my past that I wanted to “escape”
The booze helped me collect my racing thoughts and relax and let loose a bit.
I’m not worshiping the bottle by any means, just trying to describe how I was feeling at the time.September 12, 2013 at 1:57 pm#160327AnonymousInactive
I self-medicated my depression because I could not get the proper medical help. Once that was straightened out, my life improved greatly and I was able to stop drinking.
Congratulations on your 7 months sober!September 12, 2013 at 2:18 pm#160329AnonymousInactive
it’s nice to meet you, doingwell. thanks for sharing your story. blessings, kSeptember 12, 2013 at 2:42 pm#160326AnonymousInactive
Glad you found us..Welcome!
🙂September 12, 2013 at 5:02 pm#160330AnonymousInactive
It’s great you have 7 months clean and sober! 🙂
BTW does that include the benzodiazepines aka Klonopin, Valium, etc.September 12, 2013 at 5:11 pm#160338AnonymousInactive
Yes, I tapered off all medications approximately 2 weeks prior to the last time I drank.
I am only on a mild dose of anti-depressant to manage the bipolar, I was on a mood stabilizer but went off of it because it was making me gain weight. The only thing I take is 20mg’s of Celexa in two doses (morn & night)September 13, 2013 at 7:32 pm#160335AnonymousInactive
Glad you are here and thank you for sharing your story.September 14, 2013 at 2:29 am#160341AnonymousInactive
Seven [email protected]!! Wow! 🙂 The most I’ve gone is 3.. but I’m back into recovery… Welcome to the forums, and well, best of continued sobriety 🙂September 14, 2013 at 2:41 am#160339AnonymousInactive
I had a fair share of do-overs I think we all have.
Today I sort of had an odd day, I felt cravings like I did when I was sober just a week or two, this is first real real bad day I’ve had the entire time, but I’m just 20 minutes from making it through the day (bed at 11 sounds fine by me)
Welcome yourself!September 14, 2013 at 3:52 am#160331AnonymousInactive
Glad to hear you got off those meds. I hope your bi-polar gets better. (stopping those meds and alcohol was a very smart thing to do to get better) 🙂
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