Hello all new here so bear with me..

My doc is opiates.. Mainly heroin but when I can’t get it I turn to pills.. After many yrs of using and hitting my awful rock bottom I got clean.. I had 8 months clean until last month when I relapsed.. Last time I used was yesterday.. and it probably would have been today but I couldn’t find anything.. I think its a sign.. I have so much guilt and anger at myself.. I knew that 1 time wouldn’t be 1 time and I’m trying to stop before I get out of hand again.. I know I want to stop.. I know I don’t want that old lifestyle again its just so hard.. When I’m craving for it I don’t even think of how I shouldn’t do it or its not worth it.. but then when I’m high I’m so mad at myself and depressed that I don’t even enjoy the high.. Why do I feel like this.. what is wrong with me and how did I let myself get back to this point.. I know better.. I know what being sick feels like and it is horrible.. but that still didn’t stop me and that still isn’t helping with the cravings.. I have a appt next Friday with a sub doctor.. for the time being I have 7 2mg subs.. I hope its enough to help me make it through it but I’m scared it won’t be.. I work 6 days a week and alot of labor work is involved so there is no chance of slacking.. I’m also nervous about my appt.. Not sure whats gonna happen and if I will even get a script and be able to start a new recovery plan.. I just don’t understand that fact that I don’t want to get high anymore.. I don’t want to loose everything again.. but yet I can’t stop the cravings and its the cravings or the evil devil I should say.. that always wins.. Any words of encouragement or support would be helpful..