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  • #37412
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Ok, so how many methods have I been through?

    1. Denial…. yeah………….. not so effective….

    2. The attempt at ‘controlling’ consumption….. (ahem)… yeah… right….

    3. Looking at rehab…… (insert scared shi*less moan here)….

    4. Going to AA….

    Hey…. nobody said anything worth having was gonna be easy to get…. THAT I do know….

    And I DID try AA… it was very, very helpful…

    It was something I cherished on the days that I made it to those meetings…

    I truly, without any doubt, ejoyed those times… even benefitted from them-honestly….

    But (and here’s the bit where the cold, hard truth comes out.. )… when I’d come back to the boards here, or read in literature online or in books… the ‘importance’ of sponsorship… accountability…. etc…..

    I have been guilty of feeling a bit resentful…..

    Why?

    Because I want nothing more than to be healed….

    Yet sponsorship frankly is a goal I’ve been unaple to reach…

    Is that my fault?

    Is it my group’s fault?

    Fact is…

    I think those that make the effort to go to meetings where they have a pretty dang good chance of being asked to speak allowed about themSELVES………………………… well… I think those peple … it’s fair to say, are ready for support…

    I’m rambling…. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am, indeed, reluctant to go to those meetings and ask for a sponsor…. because….

    1. I’m excruciatingly shy (and asking me to do something like that is like asking me to cut off my right arm………….. it’s that difficult for me….

    2. I HATE it when I have to come back to 12 Step National Meetings and while I’m thrilled about recent experiences I’ve had at meetings, etc…. I am fully aware of the fact that at least SOMEone will ask me about the sponsor thing…

    And I’ll inevitably have to answer……………. ‘no, no sponsor yet’….

    Whether that’s my fault or not, God ony knows…. but you do see the dillema here?

    I feel like I’ve incoherenty babbled a bunch of stuff that’s really personal to me and do hope that at least a few of you will be able to decipher what it is I’m trying to say…

    (sigh)… Maybe it’s time to change groups….

    Maybe it’s time to try a whole new method…

    Something’s gotta give… and I’d prefer it not be my life.

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