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- October 27, 2015 at 6:36 am#37745AnonymousInactive
Hi, I just joined this forum because due to opiate-induced isolation from all of those around me, I really don’t have any friends I can turn to for help. I’ve been addicted to Opiates for 4 years. I was IVing heroin for a year and a half before I broke down and turned to Suboxone, which I was on for a year. Due to the lack of professional help I recieved from the Methadone clinic (the supplier of my Suboxone scripts and sometimes the Suboxone itself), I made no progress in fighting my actual addiction. It was a temporary band-aid and I could have stayed on it the rest of my life had I chosen to. I began to get pissed off when they started making me come daily (along with me having to pay about an additional $300/month after taking away my script for no reason other than their only licensed Suboxone doctor quitting and them not hiring a new one because it would be more lucrative for them to rape me of my cash rather than really help me.) So, I quit going about 4 months ago after saving up about $20,000 while on Suboxone (I didn’t have a dollar to my name when I quit heroin).
I was able to lead a semi-normal life while taking it. I wasn’t stealing money from work, I had a girlfriend I had been with for over 3 years at the time she dumped me because of the way my drug use had permanently impacted me. I was eating regularly, I was sleeping regularly. It was fine. I wasn’t having cravings.
Remember that $20,000 I had 4 months ago at the end of my Suboxone use? It’s gone and I am in debt to others. None of that money was spent on anything other than Oxy/heroin/lortabs, with the exception of pot (not expensive when you don’t have friends to smoke up), cigarettes, and gas. Whatever I could get at the time. I just lost my job 2 days ago for stealing. I have nothing now. Absolutely nothing. My cell phone is about to get turned off, and my computer is about the only electronic device I have that works.
I am not a functioning addict; I never have been. I just can’t do it (I’m sure from my rambling that you’ve probably noticed this by now). Being high is the only way I know how to go about my life. I have no desire to do anything if I don’t have opiates in me.
The reason I just joined this forum is that earlier, I injected the last opiates I am going to have forever (hopefully). I have no way to get more at this point. I have no job and literally can NOT start a new job in the depths of withdrawal. Some may be able to, but I just can’t. I have a hard enough time with new jobs as it is (I tend to keep jobs for 2-3 years).
I was able to get my parents to spring to get me some form of treatment, but I just don’t think I can go through this withdrawal. Not this time. I have NEVER, in 4 years, had to go more than 3 days at a time without opiates (yes, Suboxone is an opioid). I just don’t think I can do it for an extended period of time. No motivation to do anything. Only reason I had the incentive to get up off the couch and type this post is that the very last of my dope hasn’t worn off yet.
I literally have NOTHING to do to pass the time. I hate television (I enjoy Adult Swim and some programs on History, but I hate all the commercial BS). When I watch TV, it’s prerecorded. But I had to go 2 days without any dope before tonight, and due to that I ended up watching everything I had recorded. Sadly enough, that is literally the only thing I have to pass the time. My Xbox is broken, not that it matters since I sold all my games (20+) just to be able to get a single OC80.
I’m sorry to ramble, but DAMN I just have to get some of this off my chest. I feel better having typed this, and for anyone who took the time to read it, please know that it means a lot to me. I don’t have anyone who cares about me right now except for my parents, but I don’t really see eye-to-eye with them at all. I need to talk to people who are going through, or have successfully gone through what I am. Because this is it. No more use. I risked giving someone I didn’t know $150 last night for some dope, and haven’t seen it since. That was the last of my money. Got my parents to hand over $250 earlier, but there’s no chance at getting more. Once the worst stages of my physical withdrawal are over, I intend to look for a new job, and maybe even possibly go back to school eventually. Just have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
Any advice given would be greatly appreciated also. This is the worst time of my life. I am a depressed person even with all drug use aside. My depression is what got me addicted to opiates in the first place. I know that I will be going through mentally-induced physical withdrawal symptoms long after the usual symptoms would normally wear off for some. No hope right now. No light at the end of the tunnel. Ideation of suicide constantly haunts me. Getting high is all I think about(other than how miserable I am). If I do succeed alive, then what?
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