Search for Addiction Treatment Centers Near You Forums Substance Abuse Not sure why this is happening or what to do….

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    I experimented with cocaine when I was 20 and never touched it for over 5 years. Then all of a sudden I was having a bad day and started to do a little bit. Now I have been doing it every day for 3 weeks, but I am still “functioning”. I go to work every day, I have my brother whom I am taking care of, I make sure things get done etc. I can be sober at home, but when I go to work I have to get high. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I know I need to stop and I know it’s a waste of money, but for some reason I start to panic when I am at work and I am sober. I am very disgusted with myself, but at the same time I am trying to function. I have been on many different anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications for years, and I still had a problem staying at work for my whole shift. Then I start getting high and all of a sudden I am able to keep myself at work.

    This is a really messed up situation and I am lost. A month ago if you brought cocaine near me I would flip out on you and call you a loser….now I am the one who is doing it. No one knows. Not one person can tell. I need help and this is my first step. I am afraid to tell anyone close to me, I refuse to take a sick leave from work because I need the money, but I can also see this is not heading in a good direction. I was very suicidal and depressed around the time I started using, and it made me “up” enough to keep on truckin’.

    I don’t want to tell anyone because I am afraid of what will happen. I am a very smart person and have pulled myself out of situations before, but it’s the panic of being at my job and not being able to get high to make me happy enough to stay there.

    So messed up…….I am very disappointed in myself.

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