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    Anonymous
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    Well I had this damn thing typed out, and hit the back button on my mouse, and lost it all. So here we go again.

    Yesterday I kinda felt, “ok” I guess you could say. At least as to how I had been feeling. We had a snow storm that came through about a week before Christmas and it really tore up our farm. Took down some trees, some of our fence, branches out of trees, etc. So I felt good enough to go outside and try and do my best to help my step-father out. I knew from experience of my last detox getting outside and exercising a bit helped.

    Anyways about 30 minutes into being outside, I had this huge migrane headache just hit me. And I just said it out loud without thinking, and my step-father asked me if I took my Blood pressure medication that morning. I thought for a second and said well no, I didn’t. So I jumped on my four-wheeler and headed back to the house to take it. I was in a hurry to get back out and help, so I just took my bottle out of the cabnet, hit it on my palm a few times until my 2 pills dropped out into my hand, threw them into my mouth without looking, drank a sip of water, and headed back out to help.

    About another half hour passed, I didn’t feel “high” but, I noticed my legs, for the most part, had quick hurting. I had just thought, oh, well this is my body thanking me for actually getting outside and doing something. Then a little later, I noticed I had become more talkative, my anxiety lifted somewhat, and everything just seemed better. I thought to myself, damn should of got out and done this earlier. Then around 5:30-6 it started getting dark, and we headed in. We were already cold enough.

    When I came in my mother looked at me and asked why my pupils were constricted. Then a wave of “Oh ****” just came over me. I knew what I had done earlier. Back when I was using, my mother knew I was addicted, and I had pills stashed everywhere. After finally breaking down to her about it, she put everything in the house in a lockbox and we both went through everything everywhere to locate anything I might of stashed away. I don’t know where the lockbox or the key is and I don’t care to. But what I never thought, was to check my normal pill bottles of my Ativan and BP meds.

    What I realized was I had a 30mg pill of MScontin in my blood pressure bottle, and being in a hurry I didn’t even stop to look at what I was taking. It never crossed my mind anything was in that bottle other than my normal BP meds.

    Once I realized what I had took, I went into the bathroom and tried to make myself puke to get the damn thing out of me. And try as hard as I did the only thing I could throw up was a little bit of ginger ale that was in my stomach. Nothing else. I become worried as hell, and for the first time ever in my life. I felt dirty and guilty for taking a painkiller.

    I didn’t get any sort of feeling that rushed over me that told myself, more. You need more. I just felt guilty and dirty. All I wanted to do was sleep so that my -mind- conciously wouldn’t remember whatever feeling it did give me.

    After knowing what I had done, my mother and I sat down and had a talk, and I let her finally know that I had used what Ativan I had left to alieve the withdrawl symptoms. Obviously she knew what I was going through, although we left me step-father out of it. He’s a Vietnam vetern, and I had already put both my parents through enough the first “detox” around, and if he caught wind of what I had done this time I’m afraid my ass would be out on the street. So as far as he knew, I just had the flu.

    Anyways, as I stated before in an earlier post, she is a nurse, and knew as I did that rapid detox from benzo’s is dangerous and deadly, so put me on the equivalent of Valium to what i was taking of Ativan until my next refill comes up, which is the 11th of January, The first day of classes. =

    So it was about 4-5 PM that I ingested that pill. Its now almost 9 AM. I still had resltess sleep, although of course my legs felt about 60% better. And notice I said 60%. Even with morphine in my system I’m still in loads of pain. This is just the pain I’m going to have to live with I guess. Anyway, It’s almost 9 AM 17 hours after taking the pill. I have no “cravings” for another, my legs are aching but not as bad as what they were on the first few days of detox. And what pills that are in the house are totally inacessable to me. So I know that there are no more. And I don’t know if I ever stated this before, but I never bought or sold pills. So going out and finding someone on the street to sell me some just isn’t something I’d do. Added to the fact I have no money to buy the damn things.

    It was a total accident, I felt horrible about what I took, I felt dirty, and I felt like i had let myself down. As I stated I’m not having any cravings for more, and I feel as if I’m still on what would normally be day 10 of detox. Pain is still there, but better, sleep is still bad, but better, and appatite has somewhat returned, but no where near normal.

    My question is, taking that, will it reset me back to day 1 of detox in terms of my body? Am I going to be back to hot baths every 2 hours because of the leg pain and body aches, back to the diahrea keeping me locked in the bathroom every 30 minutes, and back to not being able to stomach any kind of food? Or has the mindset of me feeling horrible about taking it and this many hours into last ingesting the pill, will I be alright for the most part?

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