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    I will tell you a little about myself and my history. I started drinking small sips of beer from my dad when I was very little. He’d let me have it if I got his beer from the fridge for him. The first time I got drunk, I was 15. I didn’t drink often then, but when I did I drank a lot. My first blackout came when I was 17, and had just graduated high school. Drank an entire fifth of whiskey by myself. In college, I destroyed my education after moving out of the house by partying. Being too hung over or still drunk to make it to classes. For a while in my early 20’s, I rarely drank and when I did, I didn’t get drunk. I don’t think I can identify when this actaully started becoming a problem. I think I have been in denial much longer than I would like to admit.

    Over the past two to three years, my spouse has been telling me more frequently that my drinking is a problem. Crazy thing is that I know it! So, why do I keep doing it? And, if it’s a problem, why does he tell me it’s ok for me to drink, just not so often. NO!!!! I have told him before that I can’t have alcohol of any kind in the house. Yet, it somehow keeps coming back in.

    I have noticed that I use my spouse as my reason to drink and my enabler. If I drink too much one night, then I talk him into taking the kids to school. Used to be before we moved, I would talk him into going to the store to get more beer. When he became a truck driver, I would have alcohol “for him” when he arrived home after a long trip. Funny how I was usually the one who drank most of it. Now, if he’s been home for a few days w/o working, I tell myself that my irritability is because of him so I get beer. I say that he’s the reason I get drunk. How could I do that to him!???

    I know that my family is getting worried about me. I have been isolating myself more and more lately. I told my mom that I am feeling so detatched from everyone and everything. I am supposed to be looking for a job, but dragging my feet. I have been unreliable and undependable quite often over the past three to five months.

    Not sure why it took so long for everything to come together so that I could see the big picture. But, I see it now and I don’t like it. I HAVE to change because I cannot live like this. More often than not these days, I have fantasies about just going away and disappearing. Starting a new life somewhere else, where no one knows me and I can be….someone else. But, I love my husband so very much and I want to be here for him and the girls. Sorry I’m writing a book here. I just really needed to get this all out.

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