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    After this last binge I’ve got some new bruises. Although it could be due to moving my chest of drawers earlier today. I’m scared. I have a blood clot looking thing on my heel. Don’t know when it got there.

    I know people cannot give medical advice but I just need to say it.

    Also, I just got through withdrawals that made me want to cry uncle all through Sunday and then Saturday afternoon. I hate that trembly feeling because its like I feel like I’m shaking but I can’t visibly see it in my hands. I felt so unwell that I had to call out of work today. My stomach was upset, I had no appetite, my heart was racing with palpitations, and OH the ANXIETY. Unfortunately the worst of the anxiety was at 3 am in the morning or so. I couldn’t pick up the phone and do anything about what was bothering me until 11.

    Anyway when I was rooting around in my messenger bag for the number to call work, I found a water bottle that had sherry and coke. I had put it in there so that I could drink and drive. For a moment, I thought I would hold on to it, just in case….. I poured it in the bathroom sink.

    When I woke up this morning I was so relieved that the worst of the w/d’s were over. I never wanted to do it again. I liked the fact that after a few hours of being awake and sober, I was able to address at least one huge problem and find out that it was actually easily resolved.

    If you are in w/d’s are you sober? The bruising, the job loss, the financial devastation, the social isolation, the drinking and driving. Time has run out for me. Time is running out for me. Its do or die now. The only thing left is my health and that seems to be impacted too. I don’t want another withdrawal. I don’t want to be a burden on my family. I’m tired of falling further and further behind in life. I’m done. For real.

    I cannot believe I thought about drinking what was in the water bottle.

    Back in January, I told myself: You are going to keep learning the same lesson until you start making different choices.

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