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- December 31, 2016 at 8:09 pm#41237AnonymousInactive
Last night after reading replies to my post about maybe having to start counting my days over…..I went into the f*ck-its and said to myself, if I have to start my days over then I am going to snort some Oxy tonight. None of the posts made me want to use at all – I was “reading between the lines” and read that you all wanted me to start over….omg how did I come to THAT conclusion? No one said that.
I put in a text to someone who could get me some. He is new in the program too and from his shares I know he has connections on this mountain.
He text me back – 4reals? I said YES. If I am going to count over then I am going to do something that I have never done and that I was curious about.
He said to meet him at the 7pm AA meeting.
I went to the meeting just knowing that he would have the pills. I went into the room and sat down – I was sweating and shaking in anticipation of using – but he wasn’t there.
Well, he’s scoring the drugs right now, I thought. He showed up 10 minutes later and as he was passing me on his way to get coffee, I held out my hand and mouthed – give me the pills. He just held my hand for a second and went on his way.
The message in the AA room was about people who think they can control their using/drinking and going back out there AGAIN and how it breaks their hearts watching this. I started crying and left the meeting 10 minutes early. He followed me.
I said do you have the drugs and he said, Hell no and we are going to an NA meeting RIGHT NOW – I am not letting you out of my sight.
We drove down a block to the NA meeting.
I sat down and listened to a 20-year old kid with 70 days of clean time share that he just can’t go back to the lonliness and suicidal thoughts he had 70 days ago.
I shared next and said that you must be the reason Ben dragged me here cuz that’s how I feel too. I just CAN’T do it. I then shared about taking 2 vicodin instead of the prescribed 1 and how I thought that I had to count my days over and that I was looking for Oxys to snort. I was crying and the kid got up, went to the bathroom, got some toilet paper to give to me to wipe my eyes.
The next man who shared, shared AT ME and said YOU have to make a decision – I’ve seen you in and out of here for years – and that was it…..I yelled at him and said I DID MAKE A DECISION 101 DAYS AGO THAT’S WHY I’M F*UCKING IN HERE!!! and if you don’t stop right now I am walking out. He didn’t stop and I walked out…..like a 12 year old.
My “oxy” friend followed me out of that meeting too. I cried so hard on his shoulders and then went to get into my Jeep and he said, what the Hell are you doing? I said going home. He said NOPE – you have to go back in there.
I was mortified. How the Hell can I go back in there after I just made a scene and yelled at John? He said we will walk in together. So we did.
I was so uncomfortable…I wanted to die. After about 10 minutes, I said – I’m Teri and I’m an addict. I’m so sorry that I acted like a child and walked out and I’m sorry I yelled at you John.
The meeting ended and the kid who got me the tissue came up and hugged me and talked to me for several minutes and then asked for a ride. We talked some more and he is going to meet me at tonight’s meeting with some books that he think I might like.
So – this is me. I am a freaking child in a woman’s body.
I have had some calls and texts this morning asking how I am and I am embarrassed, but I am not drinking or using nor do I feel the urge. I am so freaking thankful that I did NOT use and that God put you people and last night’s people on my path.
I have 102 days today.
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