- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 11 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.
- September 5, 2008 at 6:24 pm#34073AnonymousInactive
hi, im really glad i found this forum, and pardon if my first post is really blunt, but im in a tight rope and feel hopeless, its something i have a really hard time telling anyone about. Ive been using abusing drugs for the past 15 yrs as a somewhat functional addict. Ive tried 12-steps programs, 3 short rehabs cut short due to lack of funds , and have continually failed, 9 months was my longest sober time. Ive given it everything i had, even sharing what i write here, but ive always felt alone regardless.
Im at the mercy of a mutual cocaine/crack -sex/porn addiction that is destroying me, one doesnt go without the other. At the beginning of using/experimenting i experienced sex with cocaine and was so overwhelmed by it, that till this day it haunts me and persuades me to repeat the process over and over again. And to be honest i love it, but the behaviors and the after effects are really turning my life into dust, its such a big easy lie which i fall mysteriously for everytime, i feel like ive become some primitive animal, and i know im not i have alot going for me when sober for even a short time. My relationships have suffered, along with career and all the other things going down the tubes. Ive tried seeking professional counseling, but everything is so expensive, and it seems no ne really cares, gives time if you dont have funds, and opening up to someone at meetings about this is really really hard, people dont like to get into deep topics, “keep coming back.” is all too common. I dont have insurance and as everyone knows medicaid doesnt cover anything real, except a shrink who’s quick to dispense prozacs or the like. This is my problem and i have a hard time finding anyone who is fimiliar with this, and what people with similar issues have done to find help, im willing to give anything to change. I want a life, a family, a real relationship not a superficial one with a porn mag, a gram, and a hotel room, and the crash with the sun coming up. Deep stuff i know, but its real, and its taking my life. If anyone could recommend something please suggest anything relevant…Im a very open, willing, trying to be honest individual, yet i have some issues with AA/NA, and sometimes have a really hard time believing that i was born with an incurable disease, i really admire many of the lessons learned from AA/NA, but also believe that everyone is unique and that there exists more than one solution to a problem. please feel free to ask me any question or dissect what im saying, maybe my answers can shed light on something too. At this point i dont care in how far ill share, i wish i had the same confidence in other places.. thank you…
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