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- September 6, 2008 at 11:40 pm#34089AnonymousInactive
Wow, everybody here on 12 Step National Meetings are so kind & caring!! I have heard nothing but nice, encouraging, inspiring words from every single comment I have received from my posts.
So now, I’m becoming a little more comfortable talking about very, very sensitive issues.
I want to talk about one. One that I have NEVER, EVER, talked about out loud or typed. It’s so embarrassing if anyone knew me on here I would absolutely die.
But it’s such a private issue for me, I seriously don’t know if I’m the only one in the world that feels this way.
Ok here it goes… it’s about sex BTW so, for some of you, it may be inappropriate so please don’t read on.
Ok, ok. So I’m a hydro addict. I recently got cut off from being rx’d to it for a year. I noticed something. Ugh, I hate talking about this. So I’ll just blurt it out, I can’t have sex with my loving, sweet, awesome boyfriend unless I’m on hydro’s.
I have NO sex drive AT ALL & this is the man who owns my heart, who I plan on marrying & spending the rest of my life with. I don’t find him sexually interesting AT ALL when I’m sober.
Then I start to get mad at myself & it radiates to him & I start getting mad at him. He doesn’t know about this.
It seems like the only time I am ever interested in having sex is when I have my hydrocodone high. I feel like an animal, beautiful & confident. I’m energized, uninhibited & basically for a lack of better words “rocks his socks.”
But when I’m not high, I feel yucky. I find him disgusting. I find myself disgusting & don’t want him to see me or kiss me. When I look in the mirror I honest to God want to barf. I always have to fake that I’m having fun. It hurts down there OMG I know TMI but it’s true so it’s very painful.
I just don’t understand this at all. Actually, when I first started hydro’s only on occasion for recreational use, that’s exactly why I would buy them, because for me it was like “female Viagra.” So I guess I’ve always associated hydro’s with good sex because I’m not embarrassed, more energetic, yadda yadda.
I just don’t understand why I feel this way. I love my BF so much & I don’t want to lose him. When I used to buy them recreationaly years ago, I would tell my friends “OMG hydrocodone! That makes me so h***y” & they’d be like “WTF, it doesn’t make me feel that way.”
I’m so embarrassed right now, & I’m alone typing on a computer. But I just want to know if ANYBODY knows why I feel like this.
I love my BF & I can’t even remember the last time I actually had pleasurable sex with him when I am sober. It makes me so mad.
I don’t find ANYTHING in my life interesting anymore. I just sit & write a lot or watch T.V, just like a zombie.
I can’t talk about this anymore, I’m too embarrassed. :c002:
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