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  • #34089
    Anonymous
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    Wow, everybody here on 12 Step National Meetings are so kind & caring!! I have heard nothing but nice, encouraging, inspiring words from every single comment I have received from my posts.

    So now, I’m becoming a little more comfortable talking about very, very sensitive issues.

    I want to talk about one. One that I have NEVER, EVER, talked about out loud or typed. It’s so embarrassing if anyone knew me on here I would absolutely die.

    But it’s such a private issue for me, I seriously don’t know if I’m the only one in the world that feels this way.

    :abce:

    Ok here it goes… it’s about sex BTW so, for some of you, it may be inappropriate so please don’t read on.

    Ok, ok. So I’m a hydro addict. I recently got cut off from being rx’d to it for a year. I noticed something. Ugh, I hate talking about this. So I’ll just blurt it out, I can’t have sex with my loving, sweet, awesome boyfriend unless I’m on hydro’s.

    I have NO sex drive AT ALL & this is the man who owns my heart, who I plan on marrying & spending the rest of my life with. I don’t find him sexually interesting AT ALL when I’m sober.

    Then I start to get mad at myself & it radiates to him & I start getting mad at him. He doesn’t know about this.

    It seems like the only time I am ever interested in having sex is when I have my hydrocodone high. I feel like an animal, beautiful & confident. I’m energized, uninhibited & basically for a lack of better words “rocks his socks.”

    But when I’m not high, I feel yucky. I find him disgusting. I find myself disgusting & don’t want him to see me or kiss me. When I look in the mirror I honest to God want to barf. I always have to fake that I’m having fun. It hurts down there OMG I know TMI but it’s true so it’s very painful.

    I just don’t understand this at all. Actually, when I first started hydro’s only on occasion for recreational use, that’s exactly why I would buy them, because for me it was like “female Viagra.” So I guess I’ve always associated hydro’s with good sex because I’m not embarrassed, more energetic, yadda yadda.

    I just don’t understand why I feel this way. I love my BF so much & I don’t want to lose him. When I used to buy them recreationaly years ago, I would tell my friends “OMG hydrocodone! That makes me so h***y” & they’d be like “WTF, it doesn’t make me feel that way.”

    I’m so embarrassed right now, & I’m alone typing on a computer. But I just want to know if ANYBODY knows why I feel like this.

    I love my BF & I can’t even remember the last time I actually had pleasurable sex with him when I am sober. It makes me so mad.

    I don’t find ANYTHING in my life interesting anymore. I just sit & write a lot or watch T.V, just like a zombie.

    I can’t talk about this anymore, I’m too embarrassed. :c002:

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