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- September 25, 2008 at 4:06 pm#34265AnonymousInactive
Hoping that somebody on here can help me understand a few things about AA – I’m really struggling here. My husband has been sober for almost 4 years now – and I’m VERY proud of him. However, it seems as if AA is going to cost us our marriage of almost 30 years. I’m not sure if I just don’t understand ( which he tells me I don’t because I’m not an alcoholic) or if the problem is with how he’s doing the program.
1. If he goes to meetings almost every night of the week, when is there time for us as a couple to do things? I work a regular job and he has his own business. The only nights he comes home at a decent hour are the nights he’s off to a meeting. We live in a rural area, so a one hour meeting means he’s gone for at least 2 1/2 hours. By the time he gets home, it’s almost 9:00 and, since I get up at 5:30, I’m ready for bed. Of course, I’m expected to have a plate for him to eat – might as well make good use of my time home alone !
2. He continually tells me that he can’t talk to me ( about anything other than the weather) because “You don’t understand – you’re not an alcoholic”. If he shares everything at meetings and there’s nothing left to share with his wife, what’s the point? I believe that you should talk and share WITH your partner and that just doesn’t happen. Seems as if he has a problem, most of the time I NEVER find out about it because it’s been shared and discussed at a meeting somewhere. I only find out about certain things when he slips up in anger. It’s driving a serious wedge between us.
3. I feel VERY jealous of him sharing details of our life with other women – one in particular who calls him continuously. He justifies it because she’s also an AA member and “his friend”. I know that I have trust issues from things that happened when he was drinking, but it makes me feel so awful when he leaves me at home to go to a meeting and spends time with HER. They finally stopped riding together, but according to him, his sponsor told him it was OK to call each otehr all the time – she should just wait to do it till I’m not around and not to leave any more voicemail messages. I heard one ( he played it with the speaker on- no snooping) and her final words were – Love ya – I flipped out which is apparently when the sponsor gave him this advice.
I guess I feel as if I’m second best – his AA friends always come first and if there should happen to be a few moments left over, then MAYBE I’ll get a bit of his time. This is NOT the way I want to live my life. It wasn’t the deal I signed up for and I guess I’m feeling ALOT of resentment. Could somebody please explain this to me? I don’t know anyone to speak to in person who is an AA member that might know the answers to my questions.
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