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- May 6, 2017 at 3:02 am#42746AnonymousInactive
Hello, I’ve been visiting this site for the past few weeks which is helping me and I’m decided to try to quit smoking weed. I know that one of my biggest threats to my recovery is my relationship with my mom, who I still live with.
I hate to admit but I have a lot of resentful feelings toward her that have been boiling under the surface for most of my life, and I’m 29 years old now. My mother was very odd, in that when I was a child, she was concerned with her life and pretty much left me alone all the time. As I got older, I developed mental health problems and drug addiction, she now waits on me hand and foot, which, when I’m stoned, is a dream come true. Now I’m guessing this is called enabling?
It’s my first day, and the realization that I have nothing keeping me from the insane rage I’ve probably been building up for years inside me and all I can do is hide in this room. Yes, I feel helpless and useless and dependent on this person, and I resent it so much. I feel so alone and people around me do not know how painful it is to have this kind of relationship with my mom.
I’ve been wanting to move out for a long time but never felt like I’d be able to manage on my own. I live of SSI and have crappy life skills because of this situation. I don’t know if I should just move out now or focus on recovery. I want to do the 12 steps and anything to feel like a human being with some kind of respect for myself. I have no idea what that feels like. I’m beyond pathetic.
I don’t know what to do but this hatred is painful, and I’m sick of feeling like an *******!!! Feeling guilty every day! I always end up yelling at her and she never fights back, she goes to her room and of course I have to come back to ask her for something with my tail between my legs and say I’m sorry! Every day! It’s humiliating and I don’t want to be this kind of person anymore! I need help, I need a kick in the ass! I don’t know how I’m supposed to stay clean living like this! I’m afraid for myself, I am not exaggerating, I’m afraid of the world outside and I don’t feel safe here in this apartment with her either! 🙁
What should I do? Should I move out? Deal with it until I’m clean for a long time? Move out and keep smoking to keep my from going crazy out there!? I know this makes me sound like a really spoiled brat and if that’s what’s wrong with me then what should I do, I have no spine!
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