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    Ok so I just typed this long a** post and it got deleted… This site keeps logging me out and its making me mad.. But since this is a tough subject for me I’m gonna type it again.. except this time I am going to copy it incase it gets lost!! ok here we go again…

    Sooo I have been on 12 Step National Meetings for awhile now just reading through different post.. deciding weather or not I should make a post or not.. but I can’t hold it in any longer.. I need to talk about this..

    I had a relapse on Thursday.. As some of you may know I was having trouble with my sub’s.. taking more than I should be taking.. But I was doing pretty good.. good enough to where I had enough right untill my next dr.’s appt. I had an appt on Thursday and on Wednesday I took my last dose of sub’s.. expecting to go see my dr. the next day..

    Ok let me stop right here.. My dr. is 1/2 hour away from where I live.. my only transportation is my from my gf’s mother.. I have no other family or friends (due to just moving here) and there are no buses or taxi’s (due to being such a small town in the middle of nowhere!)

    So anyways I woke up on Thursday to finding out my mother in-laws car got repossessed!! … So to make it short I had no other way of getting to the dr.’s and had to cancel my appt. I tried to hold off for as long as I could but my addictive mind started talking to me and I started to look around the house for something.. anything.. and I came across some hydrocodine.. and there you go my relapse..

    So I started taking 1 or 2 of them a day up until today.. To be honest I don’t even really feel anything off them.. But it does help me to sleep and helps with the stomach and leg pains.. I did not want to take them to feel any kind of high.. I was actually wishing I had my sub’s more than anything.. but I am such a weak person I just couldn’t deal with the withdrawal..

    I am so mad and disappointed at myself.. I know everyone says relapse is a part of recovery but I didn’t want to make it apart of mine! I just never thought it would come to this.. all over missing my dr’s appt. and not being strong enough to deal with the withdrawals.. I think this is why it took me so long to get clean in the first place because I could never deal with the withdrawal..but I am so upset over this… crying every night thinking of how I let 4 months go down the drain.. and I will say again I didn’t want this to happen if I had a choice between the pills or my sub’s I would of picked my sub’s!! But now I am trying to find away to get thru this and move on but all I keep thinking about is how I f**ked up!!

    My mother in-law finally got her car back today.. and I will being seeing my dr. tomorrow morning.. but now I am stressing big time.. I am worried that this appt. will be the one where my dr. says its time to get off the sub’s and not give me my sub’s.. I don’t know if he can stop me cold turkey but I am very worried about it.. I talked to him and told him what was going on and he said that if I couldn’t make it in to just see how it is without the subs.. I don’t know if this is his way to tell me he is gonna stop me but I hope not.. I am not ready and even if that was the case I would rather ween off of them then stop cold turkey esp. after this happening to me.. I don’t know anymore..

    I am just so mad at myself for letting this happen.. it is very depressing.. but anyways I will stop this rambling on now.. Any support or advice would be great… and as always thank you for taking the time to read this post..

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