- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.
- May 13, 2016 at 6:33 pm#39280AnonymousInactive
I’m confused. Really, really confused. I’m trying to decide if I’m really an alcoholic or if I was just a alcohol abuser… I’m trying to decide if I can drink normally after all. Maybe this is denial. I really need some honest opinions…
Here’s the short recap:
I binge drank in college with friends… but no more than any of my other friends. Then when I graduated, I went through about 5 years of solid alcoholism… drinking every other night (every other because on off-days I was super hung over). This never affected my professional career or relationships, however, I was very shameful that I couldn’t seem to stop the pattern of drinking. Then in early 2007 I got prego and quit cold turkey. Once I had baby, I resumed drinking but this time… way less… like 1-2 times a week. After about 2 years, I got prego again. This time I quit drinking and decided to never start again. The reason was that even though I was drinking less frequently, I still binge drank whenever I drank. For instance, I would have like 10 or more every Saturday… but none during the week.
Alcoholism runs in my family. I was told my entire life -ever since I could talk- that I could be an alcoholic as well. My uncle was a major alcoholic who actually drank himself to death. My Dad and my sister are major alcoholics. My Dad used to get DUI’s but has quit now. My sister drank all day every day but has also quit now. My sister also got addicted to many other drugs. They are both in AA.
So here I am… I have a 3 month old and a 2.5 year old. I’m a stay at home mom. I’m a runner and super healthy. I’ve started drinking again. Only this time, I’m finding that I’m satisfied to only drink 1-2 times a week and usually 2 or less beers at a time… usually after I come in from a run while I’m making dinner. I’ve been doing this for 2 months without escalation. The most I’ve had at one time was 7 … only one day. I thought about it and decided I don’t like getting drunk anymore and I haven’t drank that much since.
Now I’m questioning if I even WANT to drink this often. It’s been kinda interesting for me to think I don’t WANT to get drunk… and actually drink 1-2 and not drink anymore.
Maybe drinking was more like an obsession than it was ever an addiction with me… where I was told I can’t drink all my life and it made me want to even more. Then I was around all this binge drinking in college and I thought that was normal.
Maybe Now, I’ve “rebooted” myself and matured as an adult and I have a new normal… which is in fact way less drinking and more “normal” by other people’s standards.
Honestly, I don’t even know what is normal. I’ve been surrounded by so much disfunction regarding alcohol my whole life, I have no ability to judge. My husband (who doesn’t drink except in a blue moon) says he doesn’t think I’m an alcoholic. He thinks what I’m doing now is fine. All my friends from college still drink. They are all professionals with great careers now and they all still drink. I don’t hang out with them anymore because I live in a different city now, but nonetheless, they drink… However, on the other hand, maybe I found myself a bunch of functional alcoholics in college to hang out with.
Or maybe this is just denial. Maybe I’m tricking myself. Maybe I’ll start to escalate one day and I’ll eventually get back to drinking all the time. I’m so confused.
I will say this, though… I don’t seem to have the same “pull” to binge drink that I did before. I can stop at 1 or 2. I can go days or even a week without even thinking about drinking. I’ve been writing all this down in my calendar. I keep track of my running so I figured I might as well keep track of drinking too so that I can see patterns.
Here’s an example: I’ll drink 1 beer on two nights in a row, then go 6 days without drinking anything, then drink 4 beers in a night, then go 4 days and drink 1 beer, then go 4 days and drink 2 beers, etc., etc. When I do “crave” it, I usually seem to be satisfied with just 1-2. I “crave” it when I want to relax sometimes at night before bed. For two months, I’ve been averaging less than 10 beers a week.
The truth is… I don’t do anything fun anymore. I have 2 babies and a husband who is constantly on the internet playing games. We have no babysitters and no money to do anything fun. I’m a stay-at-home mom and my only company is the TV. But even that isn’t what it used to be because I have to pause frequently because of the babies… it could take me 2.5 hours just to watch one hour long show. I do belong to a running group which has been the best thing in my life… it keeps me sane and balanced in spite of all this.
Am I just asking for trouble? Has anyone else done this and had it backfire?
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