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    :a108: I’m drunk again. First time in 18 months. Oddly enough it happened after my regular AA meeting tonight. Something in that meeting made me stop and by a 24 pack on the way home. I wasn’t even really thinking about it, or what I was doing, nothing registered.

    I’m also bipolar, which doesn’t belong on this forum probably, but I think it’s influenced this incident. I’ve been manic and waiting to see my new doc since I got on medicaid…and get back on meds….

    I don’t know, everything just seems so hopeless and I want to drink myself to death. I try and try and try and seem to just spin my wheels.

    Hopefully tomorrow or the next day this feeling will pass.

    I know a relapse (or lapse?) isn’t a failure in recovery, just something to overcome and learn from and what not to do in the future.

    I just don’t know right now, I’m all over the place, I see nothing but chaos and blood and death when I close my eyes…. It’s usually psych ward time at this point but eff that. I just need to fall asleep (I hardly ever sleep anymore, it’s been my biggest problem since quitting drinking) and hopefully wake up in a different mood tomorrow. I just REALLY need someone to talk to right now…and I have nobody…Just me alone in this apartment with my cigs and what’s left of my case of beer… it’s so sad i want to kill myself…then 2 seconds later i think that thought was the dumbest idea ever..then it comes back up 30 minutes later…. Mabye I should call the taxi company and get a ride to the ER and figure this **** out….

    Sometimes I wonder how the hell I ended up like this….my life is a total mess and I can’t keep it together, even sober….I’m totally ******.

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