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- May 13, 2016 at 7:28 am#39276AnonymousInactive
Whoops – back at day six :(.
After taking plenty of advice from the good people here (including getting myself to AA, which is why I haven’t been posting much – mostly I’ve been either at work or an AA meeting) I duly screwed up last week. So confessions and learning…
Things seemed to be going pretty well, although my wife was upset about the amount of time I was at meetings rather than at home – we weren’t seeing each other much at all. So, I decided to go to one meeting a week instead of most days. It was a bit ropey, but I thought I could handle it. Then, on Tuesday, I was rummaging through a drawer for a spare mouse, and found a bag of dope that l’d hidden and forgotten. My instant thought processes were along the lines of “Oh cool! It’ll be great to get stoned without just wanting to be anaesthetised.”, and justifying it because (a) it isn’t physically addictive, (b) I wasn’t actively going out and getting any, (c) we needed a relaxing evening, and (d) hell I deserve it – after all, I’ve been doing so well kicking the drinking
Took bag downstairs, and showed my wife who first thought I’d brought it down to give it to her, and then when she realised that I planned to smoke it told me what a bad idea it was and that I shouldn’t. After getting angry and then sulking for a while, I then smoked half the bag anyway (with her).
Next day (Wednesday) – felt sh1t in the morning. In the evening, smoked the rest of the bag and went for the “poor pity me’s”
Next day (Thursday) – felt sh1t in the morning. In the evening, scraped inside of the bag for any resin stuck to the side, dusted down side of bong and smoked the tiny amount collected. Very little effect, but man I wanted a beer [or 12]. Indulged in “poor pity me’s”
Next day (Friday) – felt sh1t in the morning. In the evening, went to AA meeting but didn’t really participate.
Next day (Saturday) – felt sh1t all morning. In the afternoon, suggested that we go to pub and get bladdered. After wife realised I was serious, had row, then talked properly, then found AA meeting in the evening and went to said meeting (and took part in it)
Next day (Sunday) – felt a bit better, found AA meeting and went.
Next day (Monday) – beating myself up, but feeling better and drink cravings pretty much gone. Went to AA meeting in evening and asked someone to sponsor me, who was kind enough to do so.
Next day (Tuesday) – stopped beating myself up, and feeling back on programme. Went to AA meeting in evening, and my wife went to the Al-Anon meeting running across the hallway.
So, here I am with a new sobriety date some four weeks or so after my last alcohol. The thing that really shocked me, and the big learning experience, is that as soon as I smoked the dope all of the crazy thinking came back pretty much instantly, and I did not want to be straight again leading directly to wanting to get p1ssed.
Personal amendment to step 1: “Admitted that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol, and that my life had become unmanageable”.
Sorry the long waffle, and thanks for listening. I’m grateful that I didn’t pick up the booze again, and hopefully I’ve learnt that for me a “casual joint” is exactly the same thing.
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