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    Today is day 50. To say that my life is enormously better these days seems almost a silly thing to do for its sheer obviousness. The sun rises and sets as it always has, and life carries on in its infinite messiness. The difference today is that I am able to actually show up to each day, clear headed and relatively unencumbered, and choose my battles. My efforts are aligned with my intentions, rather than being thoughtless, reflexive, Hail Mary plays designed to preserve and protect my habit at all cost. I’ve recently started to address some of the tough stuff – the stuff that stirs my sleep, makes me cringe, and keeps me frozen. It is intense, it is uncomfortable, and it isn’t easy. But it is worthwhile.

    My past is still written all over my current life, but I am finding that if I just shift my perspective slightly, I can accept the hole that I’ve dug and focus my energies on engineering a climb out, instead of just hanging around at the bottom and obsessing over the depth of my descent. There is even some odd fun in the challenges these days, to be honest. It’s actually kind of interesting to see how I manage to perform in the face of adversity when I am truly trying, rather than collapsing into a bender at the first flinch of stress because I am just too awesome to care. I may not win every battle, but I grow.

    Up until quite recently, I wasn’t sure how long I’d stick out this turn at sobriety. There is little question in mind now that this is the only way that I want to live. I’ve started to tell friends and even a few close colleagues with whom I frequently travel & dine that this is how it is from here on out, that I simply don’t & won’t drink; all have accepted, respected and even celebrated this decision. It was no secret, apparently, that I needed to stop.

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