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I seem to romanticize self destruction. I love the movie ‘Leaving Las Vegas,’ I just understand it when most people I know don’t. I’ve seen someone self-destruct firsthand, so I’m not endorsing it, nor do I plan to do it myself, but still, it’s a dark fantasy that I’ve had.
From the movie:
Sera: “Is drinking is a way of killing yourself?”
Ben: “Or is killing myself a way of drinking?”Do you think you were trying to kill yourself? If so, were you aware of it?
A couple weeks ago a close friend whose opinion I value quite highly said “I worry about you.” I’ve heard this before from others, but for some reason this time I seriously thought about it. I think in part, this led to my decision to quit again, and may have helped me get this far, which is two weeks or so.
Anyway, I think I’ve answered my own question(s). In my case the answer is yes, I was, more or less, trying to kill myself, and yes, I was, at least somewhat aware of it. I’m not trying to freak anybody out and I talk to a shrink about this sort of stuff, so don’t worry about me; you would have to get in line to do that anyway.
Maybe a little too much introspection tonight. Good luck & thanks for reading.
For me…with 3 stays in a mental hospital
3 suicide attempsDepresssion caused my warped thinking.
Once I found recovery and my depression leftI have not had those dark thoughts.
I do j hope and pray you too will begin your
healing, BlessingsHi ya GitR, sorry to hear you are so down, but I am glad you are here. Welcome!
I have struggled with depression much of my life. As a teenager I resorted to smoking copius amounts of dope. In my early twenties that expanded into coke, pot, mda, mesqualine, mushrooms, etc. I was starting to drink at this time. By 21 I got an impaired. I lived in denial for a year. Then I got it straight. Stopped drinking, quit smoking, quit doing drugs… lost all my “friends” … and got a life.
Over the next decade I completed two degrees with honours and started in my dream job. Life is good. I struggled for a while when I became over loaded with work, relationships, father’s suicide, then I hit bottom and bounced right back up… subject to a relapse or two… and now life is all about balance.
What helped? Lotsa water, exercise, taking time for myself, getting new hobbies that were / are healthy, getting friends… most of all, just accepting that I made a mistake and was on the path to a better life.
Hope some of this helps.
Peace, Levi
It is weird how the crap becomes attractive, in my mind it just goes to show that we are a balance of things and need to have a challenge to overcome, something to achieve, some sort of rush in life.
love and peace
Another one — not nearly so appealing — is the movie “Love, Liza”. It is about a guy (played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman) who in response his to his wife’s suicide becomes addicted to sniffing gasoline and other solvents.
Very tough sledding.
Anyone else seen it?
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