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  • #31048
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My daughter is coming out of rehab to live with her crack addicted boyfriend. She wants us to let her have one of our cars so she can get a job. We have told her that if she chooses to live with the boyfriend that she lived with before treatment, we will not help her in anyway.

    She thinks we are unreasonable. We think that it is a no brainer that she will relapse and very quickly once she goes back to live with the man that she was using with when she went into treatment. He said he was going into treatment while she was away so they would be on the same page when she got home. However, 90 days have passed and he is still doing exactly the same as when she left.

    Is there any chemically dependent person on this forum who thinks that someone newly in recovery can return to a relationship which revolved around drug use and not return to using?

    Sad mom

    #162239
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think you did the right thing.
    I’ve seen many couples go back and forth triggering each other and sometimes it really upsets my stomach, one will be resolved to stay clean and the other will bring it home to share.. From what I have seen many of these couples do this for a long time so it’s hard to really say if their relationships work out but it certainly is a dangerous area for the newly recovering that’s without doubt.
    All you can do is say “NO” to the car like you did and let things be, if she really wants to stay clean she will do so no matter what, likewise if she wants to follow in her b/f’s footsteps she will. When my sister got out of rehab (she’s 5 years clean)
    she could have went to stay with her best friend who is also (still) an active addict (crack heroin) but she chose to go to a safe/sober house for another 6 months where she could be around recovery. My sister still chooses to stay away from her former best friend but has told her if she got into recovery she would be there.
    Those two grew up together and did everything together (even drugs 🙁 ) So my sister had a decision to make when she got out of rehab. My dad did same as you, he told her.. I will not help you in any way if you go back to hanging out with her.

    Stick to your own boundaries, she’ll do what she feels she needs to do no matter what.

    #162232
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stay with your gut and stick to your guns.

    The best decisions aren’t always the most popular. Hopefully, your daughter will understand and thank you one day.

    Buzz

    #162238
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    If you did give her a car to find a job, maybe you could stipulate that mom will be allowed to drug test her randomly and as often as needed. If she ever tests positive, then the car is taken back.

    The people at her rehab should have told your daughter her sobriety comes before anything else… even crack addicted boyfriend. I don’t know the circumstances, so I cannot judge, but like you, I have some serious doubts about that living situation. All is fair in love and war.

    #162240
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    The drug testing sounds practical, but it’s awfully exhausting to “monitor” the addict
    JMO. I found for my own sanity (as did my parents with my sister) that letting them manage their own recovery was really the best way to maintain our own peace of mind.
    You can still love and support the addict without the babysitting, money managing, drug testing.. again.. JMO

    #162237
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    As a recovering addict who has extensive experience with crack, it would be my opinion that the odds are against your daughter staying clean. I’ve met very, very few who could be in a relationship with an active user and not use themselves. I couldn’t stay clean until I detached from all my using friends.

    #162230
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Your fears are valid.

    I had to move out of an addiction realtionship in order to give myself a real chance of recovery.

    Living with a crack addict while trying to recover would be foolish.

    #162233
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My daughter left her crack addicted boyfriend for three months in the spring of ’06. We helped her financially and lent her a car. When she went back to him, I had no doubt that she did it for the drugs. He supplied, she used. So back came the car and since June of ’06 we have not helped her in any way. She and abf are now living with his poor mom in a one bedroom apartment and spend whatever money he makes on drugs. Her life, her consequences. Ask yourself how you would feel if they used that car to make a trip to buy the drugs that will eventually kill them. It is easier to say no when you realize that saying yes may cost them their lives. Hugs, Marle

    #162234
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    One more thing. Drug testing is a waste of time. Been there, done that. My daughter just found more and better ways to beat them. My advice would be to let her go, she is an adult. Let her take responsibility for herself and whether she wants to stay clean or not. No amount of your trying to save her will work if she doesn’t want it. And I would say that going back to the boyfriend is a pretty good indication that she is not ready. People, places and things. Your daughter is not doing any of those things. Hugs, Marle

    #162231
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    A couple of months ago I felt so hopeful. I was really able to talk to my daughter like a daughter again. When we visited her she looked and sounded wonderful Yet here we are now and I know that she is choosing to go back where she was before. It is hard to fathom how she could make that decision knowing what kind of life she was living and how miserable it was most of the time.

    Now I am heart-broken, but I don’t want to be cruel to her if she is going to try to stay in recovery. All of your comments have helped me see that since she is making the choice to go back with her bf, she is really making the choice not to stay in recovery. And with that we cannot help her.

    Your words help give me the support and affirmation of my own instincts that I need in order that I can stick to my decision. We never know for sure if our decisions are right but certainly I do not want to want to help in any way with getting or using drugs.

    CL

    #162241
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Is there any chemically dependent person on this forum who thinks that someone newly in recovery can return to a relationship which revolved around drug use and not return to using?

    I thought I’d be able to. Didn’t work for me. I relpased while in rehab on an weekend overnight visit at my boyfriends house. I wasn’t there for more than 12 hours before calling the dealer. It’s really hard to stay clean at the beginning especially if your in a relationship with another “using” addict. I don’t see how it can work. Too many triggers, too many temptations and too many opportunities NOT to use.

    I continued in that relationship for over 10 years and eventhough we said we wanted to change, not use and have a “normal” relationship…..> it never happened. We tried…> it think… maybe we were just finding ways of being together and using and having no negative consequences..

    I came to a place deep within me and I knew we couldn’t be together. I made him leave. He called and pretty much begged me to let him back because he had no place to go and was living on the streets. It killed me. I loved him dearly, but I won’t let him back. It got to a point that I disconnected my telephone, wouldn’t answer the door. I forced myself not to have any communication with him and I removed myself from everyone associated with crack and drug use. I focused on getting myself well. About 6 months into this sebattical of mine, I discovered that my BF admitted himself into rehab….> he had no place left to go.

    Anyway to make a long story shorter…..> we did reconnect after 1 year apart, and have been together CLEAN everyday. I’m at 9 years this month… and He’ll be at 9 years in about 6 months.

    Addicts can maintain happy healthy relationships….> I’ve seen a few. It does take a lot of work and determination. Each must be focused on their wellbeing before they can focuse on helping each other. That’s my experience.

    #162236
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Of course you did the right thing. If you helped her, you’d be enabling her. Stick to your guns.

    #162235
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    As a former crack addict and person who has an ex boyfriend addict whom I love I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Trust your instincts. The helpless feeling is hard but there is really not much you can do for her unless she decides to do something for herself.

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