- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
- May 17, 2016 at 9:10 am#39308AnonymousInactive
Hello, I am 26 years old now, and sober for four years. I never liked AA and decided not to go back after a few meetings. have done it on my own. I live in New York City and actually bartend for a living, because that’s all I have work experience doing. I have an unbearable amount of stress at my job because I am sober, and my social life has become so hard lately, social anxiety just keeps getting worse even though I am successfully sober for a long time now. Sometimes I think about maybe I can go back to drinking and it will be different this time, because right now I am happy, have a great boyfriend, am healthy, etc. etc…even though I know how that goes since my first relapse ended horribly four years ago. I have been through horrible depression, with and without alcohol…I know right now I could probably go back to drink in moderation at first, but in a few days, inevitably something stressful would happen, say if I had a fight with my boyfriend, or just a particularly stressful day, I would drink, black out, and continue down that road. I hate that I have to stay sober, I hate that I have NO FRIENDS…ZERO…who are sober. I was a blackout drunk every day of my life, and I know I dont ever want that again. I work in bars, my friends are always drunk, my boyfriend drinks heavily, I am all alone. The crazy thing is, all my friends support me in my sobriety, as most saw how ugly my relapse was and are happy for me, but I just hate explaining myself to anyone who doesnt know me, why should I have to explain myself to anyone? I make jokes about my alcoholism, because it just makes the tension go away for everyone, but sometimes I need someone to talk to about how seriously it hurts! I constantly feel that people are judging me because I am so young and don’t drink…EVERYONE makes me uncomfortable, I can’t go anywhere or do anything with my friends and my life without being surrounded by drinking, and then being made to feel like a complete outsider. I spend most time at home now because i cant handle the anxiety. Being sober has been a blessing for me, as it is for most people who need it, and I have gotten to know myself and have learned what is truly important in life, it is a very bittersweet blessing, and always challenging, I feel it has given me great strength early on, but I also feel as though I’m watching everyone else live crazy, fun, happy, carefree lives, and I am sitting on the barstool next to them, drinking a diet coke, and watching it all happen from outside a glass window…feeling unable to connect or relate to anyone…assuming they are going to pass judgment on me. I don’t wanna keep bartending anymore, i dont think I can take it after all this time of grinning and bearing it, but dont really have any other job skills, I’m so fed up. Sorry for this long winded rant…I just cant sleep and need to vent….can anyone tell me Im not alone here?!
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