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    this is long, so dont continue, if you are not in the mood to read, lol…ok, I have been in and out of AA for 6 yrs,…4 different programs, two of them twice, and i just dont seem to get it I dont know what my problem is, maybe im one of those that are gravely mentally ill. that is how i feel. I know all hte tools, i know whats right and whats wrong, there is nothing any body could tell me that i dont allready know…but this time feels different. I actually got a sponsor, who at first, this woman, who i actually really could not stand, She was crass and hard, and I just didnt like her,…but one meeting i started crying during the meeting adn she came up to me to console me, surprised the heck outa me, she had never even spoke to me before, but she seemed so nice to me, which i was shocked as ****, but she gave me her # and said she wanted to help me, she said we could be “friends”
    this really touched me, and i loved her from that point on. she would get together with me, and really heped me begin working on me steps. she said she loved me, and that we could do this togetehr, she has 20 yrs. it was the most “different” realationshipi have ever been in. I really began to love her in a very different way, nothing sexual …but she was everythin to me, she was like my God, which now i realize is wrong, but so after she began to be my sponsor, i did at one point crush up one of my meds, and i then did ingest something to get “high” (not gonna say what, dont wanna give out any ideas , lol) anywho, so i relapeds for the 3rd time, and called her, she said she couldnt help me anymore, that she has tried to help me, and i wont take the cotton out of my ears and put them in my mouth, ive heard that before. but i THOUGHT i was listening, and really understanding everything i could, but still just didnt have that “will power” to get myself to stop this insanity. No matter what it is, i want to get out of my own head. , i allways say “you wouldnt want to visit, its a mess up there” So anyway, i found a new sponsor, and a new clean date, and will do all i can fight this overwhelming cravings that come on. It scares me to death. im good “right now’ but when that craving begin, which do, completely out odf out of the blue, i am scaared to death. So on Nov. 18 one of those cravings came on, and even though she wasnt my sponsor anymore, i called this woman,(x sponsor) as a friend,(your allways told suppose to call someone, right?) and she proceeds to tell me to go to the store, and go get my beer, i dont care right now, im going to bed. wow. sooo..that is exactly what i did.
    now i have this new “clean date” Nov. 18th ’10 and i am steppin both feet into this now, wish me luck :gaah
    crys <3

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