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- December 30, 2016 at 4:47 am#41220AnonymousInactive
Hey all. I am 27 days sober today and I have been in a bad spot lately. I can’t say that I am craving a drink because that is not entirely true. I am just feeling irratable, discontent, and am acting self centered. Just like the bb says we do. This all started over the holidays. I had a very solid program going. I felt connected for the first time in a long time. I felt at peace with my higher power, family, job, friends, etc… I had a ton of exposure to alcohol and chaos and I have not been able to get settled in since.
I have been going to a lot of meetings but when I’m there I feel distracted. I find myself more worried about what I’m going to say rather than listening. I’m doing what I have always done, self sabatoging myself and I’m not sure why. I was so happy early on. Call it pink cloud syndrome or whatever, I’m not sure, I just know I was so much more at peace just a week ago than I am now.
The good news is I haven’t drank. I know that drinking is not in my best interest but my mind is wanting to say fukc it and numb itself. I am so scared right now. I know this is why people relapse, because my life doesn’t seem any better than it was (even though I know it is). I am longing for the days when I could pour a few drinks and everything (even if artificial) was all better. Basically, I’m thinking like a child.
What is going through my head is I want to lose weight, quit smoking, do better at work, my son is having some issues that I want resloved, and I am having some physical pains (back and rib cage). My mind is telling me maybe it’s from the weight gain or maybe it’s lung cancer from smoking (I’m not crazy btw, this is not typical for me). I feel like my mind / emotions are just getting away from me and when that happens I know of a cure. It’s called whiskey. I also know that there is a tremendous downside to the cure. It will cause a host of problems and I know within a few days I’ll be right back where I was.
The jist of this post is I don’t feel comfortable in my own body right now. I did prior to Christmas, but now I do not. I want to “get it back” but I don’t know how. I know that sobriety is my number one priority but I’ve let the previous mentioned concerns get in my head. It just seems like more problems than I can fix. That is the reason that I think my mind is looking for a cure.
Any suggestions are welcomed. I am not going to drink. I am going to at least make it to 30 days. I am trying to take it minute by minute, I just feel like crap and I want my “woobie” back. I know that woobie is bad for me, but nonetheless I just want to feel different.
Argggggggggggggg…. I am going to bed now. I hope I feel better tomorrow. I can’t go to a meeting tomorrow so that scare’s me. I just don’t know what to do…
Sorry my post is a downer, I just want to be honest and when I need help ask for it. Have a good night everyone!
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