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- December 30, 2015 at 9:32 am#38199AnonymousInactive
I attempted quitting drinking and using narcotics (abusing xanax and hydrocodone most of the time mixed with alcohol) and also smoking pot.
I joined this site a few months ago, 3 months prior to joining the site i stopped messing with prescription drugs for the simple reason they are very expensive where i live and hard to obtain.
Anyhow so i went thru a brief period of sobriety, then relapsed a few times. I think 5 or 6…not sure.
I cant seem to make it longer then a week, Tonight I was just overwhelmed with anger and the feeling of sobriety is pointless, especially sense sobriety makes me a different person…I’m short tempered, im depressed, im very quiet, and all i want to do is think about drinking and wonder what the point of life is. When im sober i tend to have suicidal thoughts, Just a week or so ago i bought 60 sleeping pills, dissolved them in a cup of water, then planned to fallow that up with as much whiskey as i could drink before i fell asleep (my goal was half a 5th or more within half an hour) I took a small sip of it to see what it was going to taste like, as soon as i tasted it i started to think about my best friend who had put a gun under his chin just 7 years ago and what he was thinking as he was pulling the trigger. The reason i started using drugs and alcohol was because of my best friend…I was left as a child with no father, a barely functional addict mother and it seemed everyone i tried to become close with left me….My best friend killing himself was kinda the last blow i could take. You can only take so much, especially as a child (I’m 22 now). Anyhow, so i decided to give myself a couple weeks and if my feelings were still present i would go thru with my plans. I am in no was afraid of death, thats not the reason i dident go thru with it…I just wanted some time to really think if its what i want. I’m almost certain it is, it seems like the only option i have with the life i was given at this point…This is not a spur of the moment thing, i have contemplated ending my town life for years and years.
Nothing makes me happy other then being drunk, im not even “happy” then…im just existing..I’m tolerable.
Please don’t suggest i seek a theripast, I don’t like talking about my “feelings” to someone who really does NOT give a ****, nor do they know me or know what its like to suffer from addiction and betrayal
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