- This topic has 0 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.
- June 4, 2017 at 9:56 pm#43070AnonymousInactive
The feeling of Inevitability
Hi all. I had a long post planned, to sort of check in with 12 Step National Meetings and myself. But like most intentions I have these days, the energy has left me and I’ve stalled. Instead I really want to release this rising pressure in me and ask a direct question:
How do you deal with the unshakeable feeling that your sobriety is temporary only, that a relapse is inevitable?
I’m 9 months sober, since the hell of active addiction to alcohol, to surrender, ‘coming out’ to family and friends, 2 months treatment: 9 months since all that and I stumbled back out in to the world sober.
Fast forward to now and my recovery is in limbo, if not in freefall. I feel like for all the clarity, the renewed health, restored appearance, the hope and fragile confidence, the love and encouragement of friends and family – even from myself, a little- I feel as if my Sobriety is running out of steam, like I’m reaching the end of the line and there’s a drink waiting for me. In other words I guess I feel really close to relapse and I hate it.
I hate the feeling because I truly know what that first drink will do, where it will lead. Yet my overwhelming feeling of the last few weeks is that my sobriety has a timer and it’s nearly run down. I’m close to a drink yet don’t know why. I do know that I am bored, paralysed in most of my affairs, stopping before really starting anything, indecisive etc. ‘Numb’ would be an apt description for the way of things lately. For example, the other evening, at a loss for what to do, I flopped down on my bed to stare at the ceiling and think. Three hours passed by (!) of just that; lying there staring up, running circular thoughts over and over again, about drinking, enjoying the summer, mixing amongst drinkers, my loneliness, what to do tomorrow and so on and so on going nowhere. I work had all week landscaping (not my profession of choice but I’m fortunate to have a job to start over with) and look forward to the weekend but when it gets here, slump! Don’t know what to do with it apart from fill it with little distractions to divert my attention from that voice that has been getting louder and louder lately, telling me to throw my arms up and surrender my sobriety, just like I did my alcoholism, and get a f**king drink and be done with it. “Sooner rather than later” and other
I truly can’t bare the thought of it. The betrayal that would represent, of the hope and trust of those who care about me, the undoing of all I’ve rebuilt in these last 9 months, the promise of a better life I know I’ll only find sober, the shattering of the (arrogant) illusion that I’m better than those chronic relapsers I’ve seen and heard about. And you know what? Tonight, that’s enough to keep me away from that first drink. But will it be tomorrow? And the night after that? I’d love to answer that question with a ‘yes’ but the only honest answer I can give, right now, is ‘no’.
Any advice or similiar experiences and solutions would be truly appreciated, 12 Step National Meetings.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.