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    I had around nine months in recovery when I started on my inventory. My sponsor said to me, this step will change your life. You will know who you really are. You will stop living in your past. Your spirit will awaken and you will live in the now.

    When my sponsor and I sat down to go through my inventory, I started sharing with him my deepest secrets, resentments, guilt’s, fears, abuse. When I started sharing with him about my past relationships. I broke down into sobbing tears. He ask me what happen in my past relationships. I went on to tell him about my first true love and all my other relationships.

    Before I met my first true love I dated two other girls. One at fourteen, the other at fifteen. They both cheated on me. I had feelings for them and yes I was hurt but I got over it. I never confronted them. There was never any closure with them.

    At sixteen I meet my first true love. My high school sweetheart. We was together for two years. We were engage and planning for the future. One day she calls me at home and out of blue sky she says she breaking up with me. Then she hangs up the phone. I tried calling her back several times. She did not to pick up the phone. Four days later emotionally drained, crying and broken hearted I went to her house. As I made the turn to the street were she lives. I see her with another guy hand in hand. No words can describe how hurt I was to see the love of my life with another guy.

    I was so heart broken I didn’t even stop to confront her. I was so confused. This was the third time that this happen to me. But this time it was with the girl I fallen deeply in love with. I never felt love like this for anyone or anything in my life. I had so many different feelings running through my mind. How was I going to live without her. What did I do wrong to make her breakup with me. I will never see her face again, listen to her voice, hold her or kiss ever again. I was angry at myself, I was angry at her, I was angry at the world, but most of all I was angry at the man upstairs.

    I was so broken hearted and angry that I made a promise to myself. This was going to be the last time I let anyone hurt me like this again. I will never ever open my heart and love another women again as long as I live. Working on my inventory little did I know. Not only did I close my heart to love. But with that promise I stop loving me.

    Shortly after our breakup all hell broke lose. I found Alcohol and drugs. It didn’t stop me from thinking about her. But it stop the emotional pain within. The disease got a grip on my soul. I was will on my way to a life of alcohol and drug and depression hell. Past marriages and relationships were doom from the beginning. With a closed heart. I love them, but I was never in love with them.

    Thirty two years later, after numerous failed marriages and relationships, many bouts with alcoholism and drugs, depression, In and out of detox, drug programs and the rooms of NA. I came to understand how and why I lived such a lie for all those years.

    When I did my personal inventory, the truth was uncovered. I had set my self up. When I made that promise to never love again. I also stop loving me. Not only did I stop loving me. I stop loving life. I also stop growing up mentally and emotionally.

    As I continue going through my inventory it all started to come together. The light bulb was turn on. It wasn’t my girlfriend I was desperately seeking. And it wasn’t the love that I had for her. When I closed my heart to never love again. That was the last time emotionally I felt love.

    So the last time I remember the feeling of love was when I was with my first love. So its not her that I been missing. It was love that I left there when I made that promise. That feeling of love is what I been desperately seeking for all these years. The feeling of self love and loving someone else.

    It was suggested. No relationships for the first year in recovery. I took that suggestion. I have over three and a half years of recovery time. All though I don’t have some one to share my love with today. My heart is open and full of love. The same love that I remember having before I made the promise. The empty feeling I had within, is no longer there. The resentment I had with my higher power is no longer there. Amends was made. Past marriages and relationships. Amends was made.

    I hear so many times, learn to love your self before you can love some one else. I did, I found that love. I am so grateful to Narcotics Anonymous and for having a great sponsor who understand me. Working the steps. The truth was uncovered.



    Wow, That is truly awesome! All I can say is good for you and I hope you can also find someone to share your love with (if that is what you want of course)


    Awesome post Ivan.

    The 12 Steps of NA has also given me the ability to recognize the areas in my life where I went wrong and how to go about changing them.


    Thank you for sharing that Ivan! My first real 4th and 5th steps changed my life too.

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