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    I relapsed last Friday and haven’t been able to stop drinking since. But while I was sober last week I finally called a debt counsellor and found out that I will have to file for bankruptcy. I was actually ok with it. I had filed for consolidation a year or so ago and failed to keep up with the payments so now bankruptcy is my last resort.

    That said while I was sober I applied for a couple of jobs and now have an interview with a recruiter tomorrow. Its exciting. Normally working with a recruiter is quick. There was a time that I found a job with a recruiter in about 5 hours. That was how I got my first financial analyst role. I got fired from one job, got on the phone and got another job.

    Also while sober, I came up with a marketing idea for my mothers business which I hope to present to her this weekend.

    I feel so afraid without alcohol to use as a crutch. Sometimes I drink not because I have cravings but because I just feel too scared to be sober. That doesn’t make sense because I do really well when I am sober as is evidenced by what is happening in my life. I just want to let go but I feel so afraid to do that.

    I feel so excited about the possibilities of getting a professional job. Now that I live with my brother I’d be able to make the bankruptcy payments pretty easily.

    I have this elect to work job right now which is just so boring. I want to cry when I’m doing it.

    Did anyone find that as their drinking progressed they just stopped wanting to go to work? I feel that way sometimes. I have to push myself to get the hell out of bed and go to work. I was disgruntled in all my jobs and I always thought it was the job. Now I’m starting to think that maybe the alcohol magnified petty complaints (like not liking the repetitive tasks of my job, or the harpies on the other side of the partition) that I was unhappy with and turned them into Mt. Everest sized issues.

    Alcohol simultaneously took away the motivation to do anything about the issues that bothered me. When I think about it that’s just cruel. If alcohol were a boyfriend, it would be the psychotic abusive boyfriend who steals all your money and then b*tches you out because you are late on the bills.

    I’ve made a goal to be out of that job in the next three weeks. Working with a recruiter I know it can happen. The woman I’ve been sitting next to for the last couple of days has been there for THREE YEARS. When she told me that I wanted to cry. I cannot understand how someone can do that job for THREE YEARS. In my heart I prayed to Jesus that that would not be me.

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