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    I had a h*ll of a bad day… Drinking thoughts and other stupid things are coming up.

    I had to go in and fight with a credit agency that screwed something up on my credit today. IT was obviously there fault but I got caught in a nightmare of bureaucracies and they started to dig in telling me it was my fault. I was so close to losing it on their manager. Like really losing it. I haven’t had a drop to drink in over 6 months and I have been trying to deal with my anger and sadness, loneliness and frustration alone since then. I do therepay and that has been my saving grace.

    I actually got the matter resolved by escalating the issue as far as I could with the manager and the banks. It worked they realized it was all a mistake and my credit was saved.

    I think I’m so used to screwing up and things being my fault I have a hard time knowing when to fight for myself. I almost cried in the guys office. I’m a man for Pete’s sake. What’s up with that? I was so relieved I almost starting crying when we fixed it. He could tell how frustrated I was….

    I feel so ashamed of myself now. I’m glad I fixed the problem but I”m left with the feeling of being so broken. After years of drinking and now trying to put my life back in order I don’t have a lot of strength. Everything is so [email protected] hard. I think I’m getting better and then I realize if something like this could nearly break me how good can I really be doing.

    After that this morning and work this afternoon (I”m a stressed out consultant) I just feel shell shocked. At a loss. I don’t really have any friends anymore after isolating myself for so many years. The ones I do have a married and doing stuff anyway.

    I’m venting….venting….going to go for a walk. This is really hard and I feel soooo stupid and weak. My life is going by (I”m 36) and it just feels like a really bad sad movie that I want to get up and leave in the middle of. No I’m not suicidal. I just want this frigging gong show to end. I sound like such a victim don’t I….How do I stop that too!

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